City on a Hill [Liadan Amaethal's Journal]

[HeatherRae]

On the inside of the front cover, inscribed in Illuskan:

You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house.

In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.

[HeatherRae]

Somewhere near the middle, dated just yesterday:

I used to be the one
Who would long to hear Your voice,
A child who sought
To win her Father's heart.
But as I carried on,
Life got a hold on me.
Now here I am,
A child so far from home.

Tell me, when did I lose my first love?
Where did the fire and passion go?
Burn in me Your holy fire,
Give me back my lost desire,
And restore in me the love I felt for You.

Can I remember how it felt
When they looked into my face
And they saw the love of You there in my eyes?
When I look back on my life
And question where I've been,
Can I really say
I've done my best for You?

Tell me, when did I lose my first love?
Where did the fire and passion go?
Burn in me Your holy fire,
Give me back my lost desire,
And restore in me the love I felt for You.

Where did I go?
I'm lost and I'm alone.
Oh, help me please!
Lord, lead me home!

Father take me back
And let me start again.
Lord, I've failed
And I've fallen in my pride.
But lead me back to you
Where my life began.
Revive in me
The yearning that has died!

Tell me, when did I lose my first love?
Where did the fire and passion go?
Burn in me Your holy fire,
Give me back my lost desire,
And restore in me the love I felt for You.

((OOC Note: Lyrics stolen shamelessly from Avalon, with minor changes.))

[HeatherRae]

Just after the previous entry, dated yesterday:

Oh, mercy, fall on me
Like a warm blanket
On my cold, cold heart.
Clean me with Your love
That turns me white
On the inside.
I'm on my knees again
Because I'm breaking Your heart,
Your heart.

Put in me
What I cannot buy with gold.
Put in me, o god,
Come restore my broken soul.
Put in me
What I cannot give myself.
Put in me
A clean heart.
A clean heart...

I know all my broken places
Like the back of my hand
That slapped Your face again.
Wash me in Your love
And hold me tight
Like a baby
'Til I have no memory
Of ever breaking Your heart,
Your heart.

Put in me
What I cannot buy with gold.
Put in me, o god,
Come restore my broken soul.
Put in me
What I cannot give myself.
Put in me...

And the joy when You restore me!
I will stand and walk again!
I will run into this world.
I will call them to come in.
But I will not point my finger
Or grow that wicked skin
That cannot remember what I
Will not forget...

How I broke You
Or how I'm broken.

Put in me
What I cannot buy with gold.
Put in me, o god,
Please restore this broken soul.
Put in me
What I cannot give myself.
Put in me
A clean heart.
A clean heart.

((OOC Note: Lyrics gleefully stolen from 100 Portraits))

[HeatherRae]

Dated last night:

Out of the depths I cry to you, O Lord;
O Lord, hear my voice.
Let your ears be attentive
to my cry for mercy.

If you, O LORD, kept a record of sins,
O Lord, who could stand?

But with you there is forgiveness;
therefore you are feared.

I wait for the LORD, my soul waits,
and in his word I put my hope.

My soul waits for the Lord
more than watchmen wait for the morning,
more than watchmen wait for the morning.

I will put my hope in the Lord,
for with the Lord is unfailing love
and with him is full redemption.

He himself will redeem me
from all my sins.

[HeatherRae]

Dated recently:

I was thinking of Isabelle and wrote this down:

Who is the you that no one else can see?
In your heart, the lonely one afraid to be
Lost again? Need a friend?
You hide your soul to keep the hurt inside.
All alone, your tears call out into the night,
"Is He there? Does He care?"

Yes, I know your name, every prayer you pray.
I'm the one who brought you to this place.
The voice who sings to you,
The hand that clings to you.
Oh, my child, I've always known your name.

I hold you close to me, close to heart
And this kind of love will find you anywhere you are.
Never fear - I am near.

Yes, I know your name, every prayer you pray.
I'm the one who brought you to this place.
The voice who sings to you,
The hand that clings to you.
Oh, my child, I've always known your name.
Known your name.

[HeatherRae]

Dated yesterday:

My teacher once told me that all it takes for evil to triumph is for good people to do nothing.

I am only one, but I am one.
I cannot do everything, but I can do something.
And what I can do, that I ought to do.
And what I ought to do, by the grace of the Morninglord, I shall do.

No matter how much my heart may bleed for it.

[HeatherRae]

Dated one month ago, in scribbled handwriting, the ink smudged:

Standing up is the hardest thing to do.

She never slows down.
She doesn't know why, but she knows that
When she's all alone,
Feels like it's all coming down.
She won't turn around.
The shadows are long and she fears
If she cries that first tear,
The tears will not stop raining down.

So stand in the rain.
Stand your ground.
Stand up when it's all crashing down.
You stand through the pain.
You won't drown,
And one day, what's lost can be found.
You stand in the rain.

She won't make a sound,
Alone in this fight with herself
And the fears whispering
If she stands, she'll fall down.
She wants to be found.
The only way out is through everything
She's running from.
Wants to give up and lie down.

So stand in the rain.
Stand your ground.
Stand up when it's all crashing down.
You stand through the pain.
You won't drown,
And one day, what's lost can be found.
You stand in the rain.

So stand in the rain.
Stand your ground.
Stand up when it's all crashing down.
Stand through the pain.
You won't drown,
And one day, what's lost can be found!

So stand in the rain.
Stand your ground.
Stand up when it's all crashing down.
You stand through the pain.
You won't drown,
And one day, whats lost can be found!
You stand in the rain!

((OOC: Lyrics belong to Superchick.))

[HeatherRae]

Dated two days ago, in scribbled Illuskan:

I was sure by now
That you would have reached down
And wiped our tears away,
Stepped in and saved the day.
But once again,
I say "Amen",
And it's still raining.

And as the thunder rolls,
I barely hear
Your whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you."
And as your mercy falls,
I raise my hands
And praise the god who gives
And takes away.

I'll praise you in this storm
And I will lift my hands,
For you are who you are,
No matter where I am!
And every tear I've cried,
You hold in your hand.
You never left my side.
And though my heart is torn,
I will praise you in this storm.

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind.
You heard my cry and
You raised me up again.
My strength is almost gone.
How can I carry on
If I can't find you?

But as the thunder rolls,
I barely hear
You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you."
And as your mercy falls,
I raise my hands
And praise the god who gives
And takes away.

I'll praise you in this storm
And I will lift my hands,
For you are who you are,
No matter where I am!
And every tear I've cried,
You hold in your hand.
You never left my side.
And though my heart is torn,
I will praise you in this storm.

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
The maker of Light and Love and Hope.

I'll praise you in this storm
And I will lift my hands,
For you are who you are,
No matter where I am!
And every tear I've cried,
You hold in your hand.
You never left my side.
And though my heart is torn,
I will praise you in this storm.
And though my heart is torn,
I will praise you in this storm!

Jotted down near the bottom:

Even if all things fall to pieces, let me cling to the one rock that will not be shaken.

((OOC: Lyrics belong to Casting Crowns.))

[HeatherRae]

**About halfway through the journal, a carefully torn out piece of the poem left in the Royal Gardens in Suzail is pasted to one of the pages**

~Alusair's Reflection~
An Unenchanted Mirror

Fruit fallen far from the tree,
Has courage fled from thee?

Now gone is the Silver Shield,
Traded in Thayan deal,
Seek low, look high,
Search under the sky,
The Regent has lost her steel

Forsaken was the Marsh of Tun,
With no battle lost or won,
Yielded to a lone squid,
Where has bravery hid?
Alas, this tale has just begun

Suzail justice had not wiles,
To contend with Banite guile,
Under oath 'fore judge's booth,
Uttered naught but vile untruth,
Yet innocence proclaimed by trial

Neighbors true were Dwarves of old,
Oghrann Clan, stout hearts bold,
Bereft of Dragon Friend,
Alone with Drow at the end,
Slain they were, in hearth and hold

Cut adrift was Redmist Town,
Gift to Thay, by Cormyr Crown,
Left to beg crumb,
'neath Tyrant's thumb,
For these peace will not be found

To Isinhold turn gaze west,
On bent knee she made request,
To Cormyrian Crown she appealed,
And found apathy revealed,
In neutrality she must rest

Fields further west have been sent,
Into the keeping of the Zhent,
With footholds both west and east,
Corner the Dragon as hunted beast,
The Zhentarim will not relent

Such is the Western Accord,
Wages Crown can ill afford,
Taken are the rights of the folk,
And given to lift Banite yolk,
In favor of them she lords

Will she continue to yield,
Taking not to the field,
How much longer will sun rise,
Over this Throne of compromise?
The Regent has lost her steel

Princess, I pray, prove me wrong,
Kindle the fire, make Cormyr strong,
Reclaim the path of right,
Unleash the Dragon's might,
And I shall sing your song

Fruit fallen far from the tree,
Has courage fled from thee?

**At the bottom, written in scribbled Illuskan**

Dear Lord, let her see. Let her see.

[HeatherRae]

**written in a quick hand, but with careful penmanship so that it's easily legible, in Common**

For Alex.

Beauty From Pain

The lights go out all around me,
One last candle to keep out the night.
And then the darkness surrounds me.
I know I'm alive,
But I feel like I've died.
And all that's left
Is to accept that it's over.
My dreams ran like sand
Through the fists that I made.
I try to keep warm,
But I just grow colder.
I feel like I'm slipping away.

After all this has passed,
I still will remain.
After I've cried my last,
There'll be beauty from pain.
Though it won't be today,
Someday, I'll hope again.
And there'll be beauty from pain.
You will bring beauty from my pain.

My whole world
Is the pain inside me.
The best I can do
Is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory,
I wonder why my god
Lets me walk through this place?
And though I can't understand
Why this happened,
I know that I will
When I look back someday.
And see how you've brought
Beauty from ashes,
And made me as gold
Purified through these flames.

After all this has passed,
I still will remain.
After I've cried my last,
There'll be beauty from pain.
Though it won't be today,
Someday, I'll hope again.
And there'll be beauty from pain.
You will bring beauty from my pain.

Here I am,
At the end of me,
Trying to hold
To what I can't see.
I forgot how to hope -
This night's been so long.
I cling to Your promise,
"There will be a Dawn."

After all this has passed,
I still will remain
After I've cried my last,
There'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday, I'll hope again,
And there'll be beauty from pain.
You will bring beauty from my pain.

[HeatherRae]

Near the end, dated a few days back. The words are slightly smudged with what look like water stains, and the writing is, at times, shaky, though still legible. It is written in Common.

Sometimes my little heart can't understand
What's in Your will, what's in Your plan.
So many times I'm tempted to ask You, "Why?"
But I can never forget it for long -
Lord, what You do could not be wrong.
So I believe You, even when I must cry.

Do I trust You, Lord? Does the river flow?
Do I trust You, Lord? Does the north wind blow?
You can see my heart, You can read my mind,
And You've got to know I would rather die
Than to lose my faith In the One I love.
Do I trust You, Lord?
Do I trust You?

I know the answers, I've given them all.
But suddenly now I feel so small,
Shaken down to the cavity in my soul.
I know the doctrine and theology,
But right now they don't mean much to me.
This time there's only one thing I've got to know.

Do I trust You, Lord? Does the robin sing?
Do I trust You, Lord? Does it rain in spring?
You can see my heart, You can read my mind,
And You've got to know I would rather die
Than to lose my faith in the One I love.
Do I trust You, Lord?
Do I trust You?

I will trust You, Lord, when I don't know why.
I will trust You, Lord, 'till the day I die.
I will trust You, Lord, when I'm blind with pain.
You were my god before, and You never change.

I will trust You.
I will trust You.
I will trust You, Lord.

I will trust You.
I will trust You.
I will trust You, Lord.

((OOC Note: Lyrics stolen from Twila Paris, with minor alterations.))

[HeatherRae]

Dated the same day as the post above, written on the next page in much neater handwriting.

Lately, I've been winning battles left and right.
But even winners can get wounded in the fight.

People say that I'm amazing,
Strong beyond my years.
But they don't see inside of me,
I'm hiding all the tears.

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down.
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around.
I drop my sword and cry for just a while.
'Cause deep inside this armour,
The warrior is a child

Unafraid because His armour is the best,
But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest.

People say that I'm amazing,
Never face retreat.
But they don't see the enemies
That lay me at His feet.

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down.
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around.
I drop my sword and cry for just a while.
'Cause deep inside this armour,
The warrior is a child

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down.
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around.
I drop my sword and look up for His smile.
Because deep inside this armour,
Deep inside this armour,
Deep inside this armour,
The warrior is a child.

((OOC Note: Lyrics again stolen from Twila Paris, with some alterations.))

[HeatherRae]

**penned just tonight, in a careful hand in Illuskan**

There is a way that leads to life.
The few that find it never die.
Past mountain peaks graced white with snow,
The way grows brighter as it goes.

There is a road inside of you.
Inside of me there is one, too.
No stumbling pilgrim in the dark;
The road to Dawn is in your heart.
The road to Dawn is in your heart.

The river runs beside the road,
Its waters living as they flow.
In liquid voice, the water calls;
On thirsty knees the pilgrim falls.

There is a road inside of you.
Inside of me there is one, too.
No stumbling pilgrim in the dark;
The road to Dawn is in your heart.
The road to Dawn is in your heart.

Sometimes a shadow, dark and cold,
Lays like a mist across the road.
But be encouraged by the sight -
Where there's a shadow, there's a light!

There is a road inside of you.
Inside of me there is one, too.
No stumbling pilgrim in the dark;
The road to Dawn is in your heart.
The road to Dawn is in your heart.

Sometimes it's good to look back down.
We've come so far, we've gained such ground!
But joy is not in where we've been.
Joy is who's waiting at the end.

There is a road inside of you.
Inside of me there is one, too.
No stumbling pilgrim in the dark;
The road to Dawn is in your heart.
No stumbling pilgrim in the dark;
The road to Dawn is in your heart.
The road to Dawn is in your heart.
The road to Dawn is in your heart.

((Adapted from lyrics by Petra, which were originally inspired by Psalm 84:5-7.))

[HeatherRae]

Dated tonight, the page smoothed back and written in careful Common:

Hold On

Every little baby
Comes into the world
Reaching for an anchor,
Fingers tightly curled.
Grasping for a reason
Without knowing why,
We will cling to anything
'Til the day we die.

We can hold on to sorrow,
Hold on to pain.
We can hold on to anger
When there is nothing to be gained.
We can hold to a thread
At the end of a rope.
But if we hold on to His love,
We are holding on to Hope.
Hold on!
Hold on!

This is human nature.
This is what He planned
When He put our hearts inside,
When He made these hands.
We are here to reach for Him,
Never letting go.
This is all we need to have,
All we need to know!

We can hold on to money,
Hold on to fame.
We can hold on to glory
And the honor of a name.
We can hold to a thread
At the end of a rope
But if we hold on to His love,
We are holding on to...

Hold on to Hope!
Hold on to wisdom and grace!
Hold on to mercy and love!
Hold on!

We can hold on to sorrow,
Hold on to pain.
We can hold on to anger
When there is nothing to be gained.
We can hold to money,
Hold on to fame.
We can hold on to glory
And the honor of a name.
We can hold to a thread
At the end of a rope.
But if we hold on to His love,
If we hold onto His love,
If we hold onto His love,
We are holding on to Hope!
Hold on!
Hold on!
Go on!
Hold on!
Hold on...[/i]

---

I know that my god sees me. I know that he knows my thoughts, the secrets of my heart, and all of my dreams. Even now, when it seems that what is faced is...impossible...I know he sees me. I never thought...never dreamed it would be this hard. I never thought that it would hurt so badly to see people I care about...gone...taken...left with nothing. But their faith. Now I understand, just a bit, of what it must have been like when they found me. When they realized that I was not me, yet I was. Me, without everything in the past. Without everything I was.

Except for you. Even he could not take you from me. Even his power has limits. The wizard, Elminster, said it was beyond his power to restore me. Yet, I know it is not beyond yours. Yet, I know that you are greater than that. So what do I do?

I know you can do this. Yet, the angel said to me, she said...would I have my memories restored? Or would I embrace this new beginning.

I would rather follow you with the past a cloud of darkness behind me, bereft of friends, family, of a home...I would rather follow you though my feet can barely move, so weary are they...than stand, fully restored, with everything I could want....and yet be without you.

I don't understand why you let this happen. I don't understand why you didn't step in and simply say, "No." I don't understand why you allowed this, allowed so much to be taken from me.

Was this your plan? Was this the way you wanted it to happen? Was this what you intended? Did you walk me down whatever road I came down to end in this place, in this way? I wish that I understood why. I wish that I understood you, and what you think, and what your plan is. I know that I am only mortal, but I wish...I wish...that it were easier.

But I will believe. I will believe even if I don't know the reason. Even if I don't know the whys. I will believe. I'll hold on, even when it seems that I am too weak to do so. I will hold on, and believe, and know....that the Dawn is coming. There is yet hope. Your Dawn will come. I will believe.

Let your hope be my strength. Let your words be my light. Let your wisdom be my bulwark, and your name my strong tower.

And let your mercy rain down and heal this land.

[HeatherRae]

The date on the page reads nearly two years ago, but below it is a fragmented, charred piece of parchment that has been literally pasted to the journal page. The words are written in a wavery sort of hand, as though the fingers that held the quill shook violently. The script is light, almost illegible in some spots because the ink is an odd shade of brown, very light, almost blending into the parchment at times.

Sunshine, won't you be my mother?
Sunshine, come and help me sing.
My heart is darker than these oceans.
My heart is frozen underneath.

We are crooked souls trying to stay up straight,
Dry eyes in the pouring rain; well,
The shadow proves the sunshine.
The shadow proves the sunshine.

Too scared that I'll run always.
Hold fast to the break of daylight where
The shadow proves the sunshine.
The shadow proves the sunshine.

Oh Lord, why did you forsake me?
Oh Lord, don't be far away! Away...
Storm clouds gathering beside me.
Please, Lord, don't look the other way!

I'm a crooked soul trying to stay up straight,
Dry eyes in the pouring rain; well,
The shadow proves the sunshine.
The shadow proves the sunshine.

Just scared that I'll run always.
Hold fast to the break of daylight where
The shadow proves the sunshine.
The shadow proves the sunshine.

Shine on me,
Shadow proves the sunshine

((Lyrics, with some changes, mostly belong to Switchfoot))

[HeatherRae]

The next page is dated sometime later, six or more months. Written in fairly bold script across the top, "Something I should keep in mind. Really. I cannot afford to make these mistakes again. Never again." The script below is written in a neat hand, the language in Common.

Be careful little eyes what you see.
For it’s the second glance that ties your hands
As Darkness pulls the strings.
Be careful little feet where you go,
For it’s the little feet behind you
That are sure to follow.

It’s a slow fade
When you give yourself away.
It’s a slow fade
When black and white are turned to gray.
And thoughts invade.
Choices are made.
A price will be paid
When you give yourself away.
People never crumble in a day.
It’s a slow fade.
It’s a slow fade.

Be careful little ears what you hear.
When flattery leads to compromise,
The end is always near.
Be careful little lips what you say,
For empty words and promises
Lead broken hearts astray.

It’s a slow fade
When you give yourself away.
It’s a slow fade
When black and white are turned to gray.
And thoughts invade.
Choices are made.
A price will be paid
When you give yourself away.
People never crumble in a day...

The journey from your mind to your hands
Is shorter than you’re thinking.
Be careful if you think you stand --
You just might be sinking.

It’s a slow fade
When you give yourself away.
It’s a slow fade
When black and white are turned to gray.
And thoughts invade.
Choices are made.
A price will be paid
When you give yourself away.
People never crumble in a day.
Families never crumble in a day.
Faith never crumbles in a day...

Oh, be careful, little eyes, what you see.
Oh, be careful, little eyes, what you see.
For the father up above is looking down in love.
Oh, be careful, little eyes, what you see.

((Lyrics once again stolen from Casting Crowns, because I am a thief. :-P)