My Testament of Change - By Maganda Tumbletush

[Kelitayu]

My Testament of Change
By Maganda Tumbletush

Hello dear reader and welcome to this biography, or perhaps diary if you prefer. I have not written a book before; I have considered writing fiction in the past but perhaps something more factual would make for a more useful and thought provoking read. I shall split the book into short chapters discussing particular subjects that interest me. So let’s begin, shall we?


Regarding Gnomes
Firstly something very important to remember about the word Gnome is that is has a G at the beginning. This G is not some illusionary rune that should be disregarded like some soggy, misused hanky. It is in fact just as important as all the other letters and should be treated with the respect it deserves by being pronounced loudly and clearly. We are not Nomes, we are Gnomes.

There are three types of Gnomes to my knowledge. Firstly there are the forest gnomes, smaller than other gnomes; these are a typically shy, secretive folk who live deep in wooded areas.

Secondly are the Deep gnomes of whom I’ve never had the displeasure of meeting personally. These deep gnomes are sometimes referred to as svirfneblin. They are stealthier and more vicious than rock gnomes.

Finally we come to the aforementioned Rock gnomes who primarily occupy burrows beneath rolling, wooded hills throughout Faerûn. It might interest you to know, dear readers that your faithful narrator is in fact a member of the Rock Gnome species.


Regarding Gnomish Society
From hereon I shall refer to Rock Gnomes simply as Gnomes since they’re the only members of my kind I’ve ever had any real contact with. You may not be surprised to know that I was brought up in a Gnomish town called Subbrook, a rather beautiful place carved out of the earth and hidden away from the prying eyes of tall folk. Subbrook was populated entirely with fellow Gnomes and it was like an enclosed bubble and entirely self-contained. Water was not a problem as a subterranean river flowed through the center of the town. We mostly lived off of tough, hardy plants that grew in small gardens scattered around the town. Our second main source of food was from large mushrooms that grew in a nearby maze of twisting cavern tunnels.

On the odd occasion the town would be attacked by kobold raiders though they were easily dealt with thanks to the common practice of magic amongst our people. For you see, dear readers, us Gnomes are a naturally intellectual lot and it is in our very blood to seek out knowledge both in the magical and the mundane. Thus roughly half of the town were wizards of varying degrees, the rest were herbalists, gardeners, minstrels and lore masters. Subbrook was a hive of knowledge but we tended to lack one particular skill, the skill for martial combat, and it would be this lack of skill that would ultimately be our downfall.


Regarding Gullymongs
Gullymongs or Orcs as they are commonly known on the surface world are a vicious, warlike and monstrous race who relies upon their superior physical strength and brutality to overthrow other more gentle races. They are typically a stupid, uncouth lot and they almost always lack any knowledge of the arcane arts. Gullymongs turned out to be the downfall of Subbrook, they attacked at night in a surprisingly organized fashion and their warriors were led by a brutal giant of a Gullymong named General Ionfowl. We Gnomes tried to put up a fight but unfortunately being caught by surprise meant that most of the wizardly folk had not prepared sufficient spells for such an extensive battle. Thus to my knowledge the entire town was slaughtered and the subterranean river flowed red with Gnomish blood. All, except your faithful narrator that is. Battered and bloody, I escaped the blood bath and fled my way through endless tunnels leading away and up to the surface world. So, this is where my tale really begins…

[Kelitayu]

Regarding The Mind
Here are my thoughts on the mind, pieced together from various books on the matter. The mind is one of the most complex and deep forces within the realms. There are two aspects to the mind, firstly the physical matter known as the brain. You could think of the brain as being "The Stage", it sets the scene and acts as a backdrop but is essentially just a blob of organic material. The second part of the mind is known as "The Dance", this is a highly complicated series of possibly electrical (Or something else) pulses that shock through the stage like a miniature lightning storm, this is what makes a person, a person. The Dance is a continuous affair and begins from the day a person is born. The Dance must continue forever, if it ever stops it can never restart again. The Dance can be frozen in time where it can survive without the use of the Stage but this requires divine intervention, this if often mistook as being the soul. Time does not exist within limbo so the Dance is frozen and any memories of the experience are lost, or more accurately were never made in the first place. Thus accurate descriptions of this event are impossibly hard to come by and is largely conjecture. The mind is split into two halves that must communicate between each other. In most people there is a dominant side that overrules the other, this stops the mind from getting muddled and confused. I believe my own mind has two dominant halves which can often cause my mind to get confused and muddled though I have good days and off days. This isn't a particularly rare occurrence and exists in approximately one out of twenty people, though they usually are not consciously aware of it. In a harsh reality such as this one many people focus upon improving and training their physical bodies so that they can smush others into dust but the body is merely a tool, what you consider as yourself is actually nothing more than an electrical storm rumbling on within a Stage of fleshy matter. The mind relies on the body and the body relies on the mind.

Regarding Psilocybin Use
I am no savage, I have utter respect for the mind because that is the true essence of a person. Destroying a person with a ball of fire, slicing their legs off? That's nothing. I have experienced things on a completely difference level, both unspeakably brilliant and utterly horrific to such degrees that I can not even begin to describe them with the mere use of words. They are experiences that transcend most peoples ideas of what is real and what is fantasy and I firmly believe they are the source of all creative thought, ideas, deities, monsters and most likely the cause of the creation of Toril and this plane of reality itself. There is a reality somewhere out there that is so much more real than the one we currently inhabit and I have the tool that allows me small glimpses into it. It is a tool that demands respect and an enlightened, level headed mind. It must be respected and thus should only be open to those who possess the up most of maturity. Childish, savage and egotistical minds will only be confused, addicted and ultimately destroyed by it. Humans and elves have the hardest time with such a substance, being naturally more likely to be egotistical, savage, cruel and illogical. Dwarves and Hins are more likely to appreciate and understand the experiences though Gnomes have the easiest time with it. There are always exceptions to the rules of course, a subject I shall cover another time.

Regarding Illusion and the Overwizard
I am an Illusionist through and through. This is a common school of magic for Gnomes though the reason I focus in it is not really out of choice, it is because every fiber of my mind realizes the truth. That this world, Toril, indeed this very plane of existence is in actuality nothing more than a giant Illusion controlled and overseen by an utterly powerful being that transcends form and thought. I shall refer to this being as the Overwizard but do not be fooled, it is not a mere wizard, it transcends the very idea of the arcane and even the divine for that matter. The weave, our reality and the very gods themselves are in actuality nothing more than puppets that unknowingly serve THE ultimate power. So, since the Overwizard has managed to fool every single being in existence, so shall I follow in his (Though it has no gender) footsteps. Indeed, fooling the world, that is the true master plan of the Overwizard and it is only through the use of the Psilocybin mushrooms that I have been able to uncover the truth. So, why have I been allowed to uncover this? Simple, the Overwizard wants an apprentice and he has chosen me, the most pathetic, weak, overlooked being in his great creation. Is this some elaborate joke on his part? I shall find out in time, tonight I shall take the largest dose of mushrooms I have ever taken before with the plan to make contact with this being within the recesses of my mind and I shall ask him in person.. so to speak.

[Kelitayu]

Regarding Tallfolk
Firstly, what I'm about to state does not cover the entirety of these species, I have in fact had contact with a few worthy people I am privileged to call friend, a subject I will cover in due time. When I speak of the tallfolk I am referring to human and elven kind. I clump these two races together because they are painfully similar in most respects. Surely, humans have shorter lives and that can apparently make them be a little more brash and quick to action at times and elves are supposed to be highly patient, graceful and beautiful. Well, speaking from my personal observations I can without a shadow of a doubt state that this is in fact utter twoddle, elves can be just as rude, vile, callous and cruel as any human. They are not above lowering themselves to petty insulting, laughing, smirking and ganging up on someone they don't agree with to inflict emotion pain at every opportunity. Elves and humans are also more than happy to belittle and look down upon me for reading romantic novels, which in actuality is the most natural thing imaginable for someone in my situation. Their reasons for doing so? I have inquired and from their responses I come to the conclusion that their malice is brought about through nothing more than personal boredom. See, elves have their extended lives, their huge egos and ideals about racial perfection but when it comes down to it they are mostly all whorish, sniveling little academy girls. Of course, they aren't actually whores, they just dress the part, since the act of actually showing any physical contact towards a male obviously disgusts them greatly.

Regarding Romantic Novels
I read erotic romantic novels. Why? Well, after suffering through the slaughter of my entire home town, losing everyone I ever loved and being thrust into a tallfolk ruled world with no one but myself for company I just so happened to become a little lonely, amongst other things. Struck with a hemorrhaging mind and a condition that made social interactions nearly impossible for me to partake in, I turned to fantasy through a variety of means. Mushroom Wine, Psilocybin and Salvia Divinorum leaves would provide me with clarity, giving me a clearer understanding of the world and enlightening my mind in the ways of the Overwizard. Further, my own physical needs were handled through the reading of "romantic" novels, giving me a level of fulfillment in this regard though only to a point. I always missed the feeling of actual male contact and I had to suffer through this for the longest of time. At the point of writing this has changed and I have been fortunate to have found someone quite special, though the situation may seem a bit.. unorthodox to most. I make no apologies for what I am, have done or will do. I am not the unnatural, sick one here, it is the tallfolk society that is sick.

Regarding Tallfolk Society
Tallfolk society runs thusly, there are farmers, traders and common folk that go about their days in a monotonous trance, performing basic tasks and doing little more than keeping themselves and those around them alive by operating Inns and stores. The adventurers are the most active caste of tallfolk society and are both the killers and defenders of the people, something that the Gnomish society of my home town lacked. This set up serves the tallfolk well and provides a powerful defense against would be invaders such as Gullymongs. This comes at a cost of course as their egotistical nature and wanton abuse of their powers leads each individual to believe that they are in fact gods themselves. There is a dark sinisterness to their system, an underlining darkness in the hearts of all. It perpetuates itself and spreads like a disease, infecting the minds of the tallfolk, distrust, bitterness, hatred, selfishness, envy, cruelty, boredom. It is in bedded within tallfolk society and it doesn't take a genius to see the evidence of it. Solely through the act of observation have I seen the darkness in their hearts and heard the cruel words that spill from their mouths. They tell themselves that they are good, honorable and honest but it's a lie. This is the natural way of things in tallfolk society and something I can never hope to change, though I must protect myself and not allow the taint to infect me. I must hold true to my Gnomish roots and be ever vigilant.

[Kelitayu]

Regarding Breaking Through
Consuming Psilocybin sets a person upon a fantastic journey through her very mind. The journey has distinct barriers with which can be broken through depending on the dosage. These levels are comparable to the nine hells themselves, each one either more fantastic or terrifying than the last. I speak entirely from my own experiences however I have had the opportunity to oversee another individual who perhaps passed through the second or even third barriers. Just how much dosage is required to break through each barrier depends upon the persons race and there also seems to be an element of randomness to it. Whether or not the journey will be a good experience or a bad one depends upon the recipients own mindset, his current state of mind and his immediate surroundings. If the recipient is feeling worried, or upset then the journey will reflect this. If he or she is feeling happy, they are much more likely to have a pleasant experience. I have gone through both good and bad journeys and I found both types equally enlightening. I want to experience the extreme, weather it be good or bad. That is surely the overall point of existing. It is nothingness that I fear above all else and indeed Psilocybin requires your mind to be activated through sound or touch. Embarking upon a Psilocybin journey with no form of emotional or physical stimulus will lead to a truly horrific experience.

Barrier One:
Taking a small dosage can hold wonderful medicinal benefits. There is no better cure for a head ache or migraine, almost instant relief is guaranteed. The recipient will likely feel mild drunkenness, perhaps blurred vision. Closing of the eyes may reveal faint dancing patterns especially when listening to music or hearing rainfall. Patterns are usually colorless.

Barrier Two:
Vision becomes blurred, objects may sway or dance depending upon their physical attributes. Soft objects such as a comfy looking bed will breath, curtains will wave as if being effected by wind even though there is none. Fractal patterns will appear upon the closing of ones eyes, at this point they become beautiful and colorful, dancing and blending into each other. Colors and sounds become much more vivid.

Barrier Three:
The perceived reality will begin to take upon a life of its own though it is still reacting to the real life stimulus. For example should the recipient normally be feeling a little cold, he'll feel freezing. Should he hear music, it'll sound a hundred times more amazing and complicated, like nothing he has ever heard before. An otherwise pleasing view may take upon an incredible majesty beyond the capabilities of written description. Closing of ones eyes reveals fantastic patterns made up of fractal shapes. Visuals may occur at this point, very common visuals include grinning white teeth and large blinking eyes. Grabbing hands are also common, reaching out towards the recipient. These visuals may either be humorous or terrifying depending upon the recipients state of mind at the time.

Barrier Four:
This is where the recipient breaks through into the realm of the fantasy, no longer being a part of Toril. She will usually feel herself traveling across space and time, moving through portals and tunnels of flowing lights and liquid magic. The recipient may begin to lose his grip upon the material plane, outside sounds and feelings have a distant, weakened impact upon her. She is now traveling through her mind space and I can only speculate of what she may find within. I can list but a few examples though at this point, the journey can go anywhere, any place, any time.

Barrier Five:
The recipient experiences Ego Death and loses her sense of self. At this point she will forget her previous life and become something else entirely. Just exactly what this means changes depending upon the specific journey. No two journeys are ever the same.

Animal Guide:
In the depths of your mind you may find a particular animal that commonly appears between the third and fourth barrier. This is your Animal Guide, for me this is a cat with black and blue fur and shining sapphire crystals for eyes. The cat never speaks to me, it is simply often there. Some times the cat will be grinning hysterically and some times it will snarl and hiss, bearing its white fangs. As I have described, the cat along with the journey itself can be both a friend and an enemy depending upon my current state of mind.

The Entity:
It has often been the case that during a journey I have been hit with moments of clarity, being able to realize deep truths. A common insight I receive is on organic creatures, me, basically. Organic creatures are slimy, smelly things that discreet, perspire and ooze horrid gases and liquids. We are chaotic, messy, unclean and unpure. At around the forth barrier my mind often comes into contact with "The Entity", this is likely a manifestation of the Overwizard himself. It is a being of pure cleansing light, perfect in every way. It is certainly not organically based, it feels as if it has more akin to a perfectly polished and sharpened blade, pure and incorruptible. I often feel in awe and unworthy before such a perfect entity. It never communicates, judges or even acknowledges my presence.

Ego Death:
This is a special state that I have reached only a few times, it is the point in which I lose all sense of self and blend into the fabric of reality itself. I am no longer burdened with an identity, I strip away my body and mind in order to achieve transcendence. This is perhaps an experience akin to death itself, something I have yet to personally experience and so am unable to make a comparison. This state can either transcend a person to a new level of enlightenment or contrarily utterly destroy their self ego and leave them as sore as a new born baby.

After Effects:
A journey stays with you for days, even weeks. You see the world in a new light as if experiencing everything for the first time, everything is miraculous, a fantastic illusion and it's all for you. You realize just how fantastic the world truly is and you can once again, appreciate it in all its glory. It might not be real but that doesn't mean that you can't enjoy it.

[Kelitayu]

Regarding Checking the Pie
I stand before the oven with a padded glove on my hand.
I reach down and pull the tray out, the pie isn't ready yet..
I pace back and forth across the kitchen, I glance to over to my right.
Sam is standing at the table chopping up some unidentified meat.
I go to the Oven.
I stand before the oven with a padded glove on my hand.
I reach down and pull the tray out, the pie isn't ready yet..
I pace back and forth across the kitchen, I glance to over to my right.
Sam is standing at the table chopping up some unidentified meat.
I go to the Oven.
I stand before the oven with a padded glove on my hand.
I reach down and pull the tray out, the pie isn't ready yet..
I pace back and forth across the kitchen, I glance to over to my right.
Sam is standing at the table chopping up some unidentified meat.
I go to the Oven.
I stand before the oven, didn't I just do this?
I reach down and pull the tray out, the pie isn't ready yet.. It's still not cooked, how can that be? I've been here for.. How long?
I pace back and forth across the kitchen, something is very wrong. I glance to over to my right.
Sam is standing at the table chopping up some unidentified meat. Surely the meat should be chopped by now.
I go to the Oven. How long have I been doing this?
What's wrong with me?
It is real or am I dreaming?
Was it real?
Why do you torture me so?
I stand before the oven with a padded glove on my hand.
I reach down and pull the tray out, the pie isn't ready yet..
I pace back and forth across the kitchen, I glance to over to my right.
Sam is standing at the table chopping up some unidentified meat.
I go to the Oven.

I can't get out...
Can't get out...
Run!

[Kelitayu]

Regarding Racism
I am a racist, I must admit. You see, I was brought up and lived the majority of my life in a secluded Gnomish town. The town was mostly sealed from the outside world and thus I was never really exposed to humans, elves or other races. I learned of the outside peoples and lands through my books. Now, all Gnomes are similar in many ways, we all share a love for life, creativity and building things. Most Gnomes develop an interest in arcane lore, or any lore for that matter, herbalism, pipe weed, mushrooms. Gnomes are good creatures, we are kind and honest and you would be extremely hard pressed to find an evil one. We are a race of tinkerers and builders and as I grew up amongst my people I understood that race was more than just skin deep, I understood that my people had very distinct ways. So, naturally I applied the same reasonings to the tallfolk, I had a bad experience with a few elves and I naturally assumed all elves would be the same. I was wrong. I obviously had bad experiences with Gullymongs and yet I now find myself very close to one, even possibly in love you might say? It's very confusing, though after living amongst the tallfolks for an extended period I have come to a conclusion that makes sense, at least to me. Gnomes are naturally good creatures, we are a counter to races such as Goblins and Kobolds who are naturally evil. Humans and Elves on the other hand are much more diverse and there are both nasty, evil ones and conversely kind, good ones. So, I was a racist but no longer, I have learned to judge each individual on his own merits.

Regarding Death
Today I enjoyed a new experience. I experienced death. This was fascinating, I was adventuring in a dank dungeon along with some brave fellows who I'd offered to aid with my magical talents. Unfortunately the tough warrior types fell and I was jumped upon by several undead horrors. I felt myself falling through a sinister looking portal of twisting darkness. I felt my soul being pulled from my body, it was surely The Watchful Protector himself beckoning me, or perhaps The Overwizard? I wasn't sure, but something was pulling me away, I felt that it was eager to show me the wonders of the realms that I gain some new understanding of how everything fits together. Time had no meaning here and for what seemed like an eternity I flew through countless dimensions both weird and terrifying. I came face to face with many deities, both Gnomish and Human alike. I can not remember it so well, already the memory is fading so I must document it before my feeble mind forgets:

I had an informative chat with Horus-Re and then I fed him some crackers.

I played a game of Lanceboard with The Red Knight and she told me her true name, apparently it's first name "Mary", last name "Sue".

I helped Sharess with a personal problem, apparently she's pregnant again and she has absolutely no idea who the father is.

Malar did a whoopsy on the carpet so I called him a bad boy and sent him outside to think about what he did.

Cyric kept making outrageous claims until he reached the point where his nose was so long it stretched across the entire realm. Then myself and the other deities played a game whereby we all had to limbo under it.

Garl said I was the best limboer he had ever had the good fortune to meet!

It was like a Psilocybin trip, scary at times, especially when Lloth showed up and I had to get rid of her by using a giant mechanical sucking contraption I nicknamed "Henry".

I hope to experience it again some time soon, I think I'll visit some of the elven deities next time.

We never did find out who the father was. We were able to narrow it down to either Torm, Tyr, Ilmater, Bane, Tempus, Loviatar (Some how?), the fellow who delivers the milk, the butcher, the baker and the candle stick maker.

[Kelitayu]

Regarding The Cave: ((Possible Spoilers Within))

Here I sit in a magnificent subterranean glade surrounded by a thousand mushrooms and toadstools. Like little people, each one is unique and varied, each with their own distinctive look and personality. Some are tall, white and snobbish. Others are short, fat, red and a angry. Some are poisonous murderers whilst others can heal ailments and cure head hurts and diseases. Mushrooms are like people, some are my friends. I've studied them and learned many of their secrets yet they still always manage to surprise me. I entered the cave with some adventurers. My mind being full of curiosity, a cavern over run by fungus? How could I not want to investigate?

The cavern was beautiful, full of mushrooms, fungus and herbs abundant. It was an illusion of course, violence was present here as it always is. Creatures of types I have never seen before, angry, hateful, murderous. A plethora of emotions, no doubt driving them towards these actions. I have felt such emotions, so strong you want to just rip your hair out and scream until your lungs burst and shatter into a thousand pieces! They attacked and we fought back, we destroyed them, our violence conquered their own. We pushed onwards, deeper into the cavern destroying and killing as we went. I took many samples, mushrooms, herbs and I collected stinky gas samples from a variety of creatures we encountered. I procured samples of blood and disease ridden saliva from vine covered wolflike creatures.

But what was the cause of all this? This was surely an unnatural occurrence, was there some entity within, some powerful being perhaps. A troll shaman? A giant Myconid? What was the motivation? After all, we were the invaders, perhaps the occupants were simply defending their home? Of course, if you create something beautiful there will be those who want to destroy it.

Well, the truth turned out to be more disturbing than that. A faithful, probably a cleric of some kind in the service of an evil tallfolk godess, Talona. This wouldn't have bothered me so much if it wasn't for the fact that the cleric was a Gnome of all things! Never in my life have I witnessed such a thing, how could this happen? The Gnomes of my home town were all good and kind at heart, without exception! Here, in tallfolk lands I find a Gnome serving the powers of evil? I had to know why, why would he do this? I remained behind to contemplate, my companions were more concerned with selling their gathered loot and turning over a megar a profit, just another kill for them I suppose. Only alone could I make sense of this, and so there in the still darkness I contemplated. I studied his journal and I discovered the reasons why, right there in black and yellow the truth became clear to me.

His is a tale of sadness, persecution and suffering. The tallfolk drove him to these acts of violence, it is clear. Like a stray pup, innocent and care free, he was tortured by the tallfolk, insulted and degraded. As I have explained before, the mind is the most sacred of organs, more vulnerable than anything else. Attacking someone with a sword or burning them with magic? Those wounds can be healed and treated, a dead person can be raised back to life. The pain of the flesh is insignificant compared to the pain a mind is capable of suffering, emotional torture. He was clearly tortured to such a point that his mind was damaged beyond repair. He must have turned in his desperation to the gods, begging for a savior, someone to love him and protect him. Had Garl protected him? What would Garl suggest his loyal servant do in this situation? Tell a joke? Do a dance?! Is that going to fix everything? Is it?! Is that going to make the mocking laughter stop? The degrading? The insults? Is that going to repair the damage? Obviously he had no choice, everyone has their limit. Turn his cheek once, turn it twice, turn it a million times but eventually anyone can crack, even a Gnome. He sought vengeance upon those who had wronged him, he obviously found someone who would listen, someone who cared, he found this tallfolk godess, this Talona.

He was wrong, Talona offers no salvation, no greater meaning exists within her teachings, just disease and death. I've already experienced death, it was a fascinating experience but it still didn't answer my greatest of questions. My search continues. What is the point in murdering those who insult and degrade you? Will it fix anything, really? This Gnome was weak and I pity him however the true blame for his actions lies with those who drove him to this point. Those vile, nasty, evil tallfolk of the Greatgaunt settlement. I have no champion to fight for, no deity to follow, they're all as pointless as I myself am. I am not sure of anything, nothing is clear and everything is conjecture.

I look beyond the faces of the many gods and I sense the true architect of all of this, that unidentified entity, the Overwizard. The Overwizard is clearly a cruel entity indeed, full of sinisterness and hatred, he feeds upon our suffering and our anguish. He laps up our tears hungrily and his appetite will never be sated. But why? Is his cruelty as meaningless as I suspect or is there more to it than that? Why does he continue to tempt me with glimmers of happiness and joy? Is it a distraction to keep me here? Keep me from trying to find out the truth, from escaping this prison?

Ed, does he love me or is it a trick, a joke? Am I being set up? Is this an illusion? A fake?

I wish it would just end.

Not even death is an escape, I've tried it.

I need to escape.

I need a new mind, this one is damaged beyond repair.

[Kelitayu]

Regarding the Change:

Here I would stand, clammy hands and a toad in my throat. I'd be full of insecurities and paranoia. My heart would beat like a drum and my voice would stutter, always unsure, so shy, always expecting the worst. So negative, so lost.

The time has come for me to cast aside my insecurities, shred myself of the grief and become something better. I have reached rock bottom and now the only way left is up. With a heavy heart, it is time I make the ultimate sacrifice. I am to give up my mushrooms, my isolation and replace them with more meaningful things. Things like friends, stronger faith in Garl and to actually do some good for once. I now suspect that the answers to the questions that truly matter aren't found within, but without. I should have been reaching out to others but instead I was trapped within the black coils of my own mind, choking and restraining me down. It is time I was fixed.

The arrow has struck me deep and it will no doubt be a painful process, pulling it out. With Ed supporting me I know I can do this, it is a matter of willpower and inner strength. His purity will strengthen my resolve. I can detox. I'm not too far gone, surely.

It'll be painful at first, but I can overcome, I must. Regardless of this, I must admit that I am full of fear. Sparked by the sudden loss of my people and being thrust into an alien world, I have obviously become too dependent upon the mushrooms. I fear that their light shone so brightly through my mind for so long, I will never be able to appreciate the dullness of reality again.

I am so frightened.. but I must overcome. Ed will notice a change in me, he will think I'm ill.. he won't be used to seeing me this way. I plead to Garl that he doesn't give up on me.

Thus begins... my Testament of Change.

[Kelitayu]

Regarding Pain:

Things were going so well, I was managing the situation, munching Wormwood leaves and extracts of Salvia Divinorum to lessen the shock to my system. I thought things were going to be fine, my willpower was strong. I thought my G-nomish spirit was going to see me through. I found a Psilocybin mushroom huddled beneath some logs near the Greatgaunt town square. He looked so lonely sitting there, his little hat drooping, hiding from the world. I plucked him up and kept him warm in my pouch. A moment of truth then struck me, I knew I was being foolish. I crumpled the mushroom up in my hand and blew the bits to the winds. It's such a simple, plain looking mushroom, innocent and cute. It grows all around and is quite easy to find really if you know what to look for. It holds this special power and offers a gift that not even the gods can bestow. The only problem with Psilocybin is that it is too powerful, the experiences shine too brightly. It is too much, the fire burnt too fierce and for too long. Now, without the mushrooms all that is left is ash and darkness.

I had a breakdown, at the worst possible time of course. I was venturing through an old mine infested with Gnoll brutes and their goblin slaves. My only saving grace was that Ed was with us, if he hadn't have been there I don't know what I would have done, I'd probably have made even more of a fool of myself. The tallfolk don't take G-nomes seriously as it is, the last thing we need is some hysterical woman making a scene. I had a moment of utter regret and sadness, probably sparked by all the death one tends to find within dungeon halls. Normally it doesn't bother me so much, but this time my will was fractured and vulnerable. It is very hard to explain the nature of the pain I feel, though I later tried explaining it to a friend and she seemed to understand so.. perhaps you will too.

Psilocybin is a powerful mushroom and it offers the chance to experience the world through unclouded eyes. Whilst our minds are not designed to experience such a bright light, many can handle it in various degrees of moderation and that is a good thing as long as it is dealt with respect and the quantity and frequency controlled. It was my own weaknesses fueled by the loss of my family and my people, finding myself in a strange, alien world coupled with the isolation and feelings of loneliness that come with it. All these elements came together and I was lost in darkness so I sought the bright light more and more often. This was against my own better judgment and all that I had learned and been taught. Now, without the light I am lost. My mind is black and withered like a shriveled autumn leaf, nothing shines anymore. How can the light that shone so brightly suddenly turn so pale?

Regarding Jinx:

It is written that a wizards familiar reflects their mistress. The wizard reaches out into the ether and pulls back a suitable magical creature, a friend, a being that reflects their own demeanor, perhaps.. Evil wizards would tend to favor Imps or Hellish Hounds. Good wizards may find themselves with something else, perhaps a Faerie Dragon. I must then ask, what does it mean when the only familiar that answers your call is a fairy that doesn't act like a fairy should? A fairy of a cruel and petty nature who insults and degrades me at every opportunity. Fairies are supposed to be playful and fun creatures, cute and innocent. My own fairy, Jinx is none of these things, she is yet more further proof that you can't judge someone by their race, there are always exceptions. Jinx wishes to have a Red Wizard for a master, she says that I'm a useless, tubby waste of space and not worth her attention.. she's probably right.

I don't understand myself and I'm not sure fate does either. Neither myself or the ether can make it's mind up, if I were evil at heart then surely an Imp would have answered my calls. It's like a dirty trick, a cruel joke that I get a familiar that is supposed to be good yet acts cruel and petty. Is this a reflection of myself, my own mind.. my own... soul? Contradictions, shadows, lies and illusion.

Regarding Lord Tyr:

Lord Tyr is Ed's patron, an imposing figure much like that of his servants. Everything about him is intimidating, from his followers to his grand court rooms. I sit in the rows, I'm here trying to support my dearest friend in his endeavors and his duty. Officially? I'm the scribe, impartial and very out of place. This is clearly a tallfolk matter, I know little of the details, there is a trial and Ed is the accuser. I have read and studied many tallfolk faiths and deities however here I was able to learn more about lord Tyr and another, a godess called Sune.

Lord Tyr is not right for me. His laws are too blind, too straight forward. He deals with right and wrong, pure and simple. I don't think he would realize and take into account the complexities of the mind, this is surely the downfall of himself and his people. Indeed, one of Eds lines of attack was against that of pride. Ego is a powerful force and it can very easily lead a person to "evil". I understand what ego is all too well. Strip the ego from a person and they become as tender as a new born baby, innocent. My problem with Lord Tyr is that people do bad things even though their intentions are good. As I have said before, organic creatures are imperfect and even good people can slip off the line some times. I feel that Lord Tyr needs to instill more compassion into his dogma.. perhaps. However, saying this, with so much blind evil in the world perhaps Lord Tyrs blind goodness is necessary to counter it. Regardless, he is not for me.

Regarding Lady Loviatar:

I have heard much of this lady Loviatar, another tallfolk deity. This one focuses upon that aspect of pain and suffering that I experience daily. I imagine that an entity of this nature would understand the pain I suffer. Pain of this magnitude can surely lead to madness, I wonder how she manages to deal with it all? I suppose her secret is that she somehow flips the pain on its head and learns to appreciate it and apparently, even learns to enjoy it. My own take on her seems to make a lot of sense and in a way I could even have found her teachings useful to me. However on further inspection of her dogma and accounts of her religions ways I find things aren't as clear cut as I might have expected.

"Knowing someone fully could help a Loviatan inflict maximum pain, one way or another". Inflict pain upon others, for what purpose? I myself have suffered and I wish to learn how to deal with that pain. But why would I want to put others through it? Pain is an experience, just like death and almost all experiences are worthwhile. That is surely one of the best reasons I can give for our existence. Our existence is to experience and who knows, the pain might just offer that enlightenment that I have sought all along, though I am still unsure. What I object to is forcing experiences onto others, especially when it comes to other peoples minds. The mind is sacred and it is unethical to force your dominance over it. A person should be free to experience pain only if she or he chooses to.

"Loviatar's followers are encouraged to wipe Ilmater's followers from the face of the Realms". A petty commandment, to force death upon good folk is wrong. From what little I understand of him, Ilmatar is a selfless deity who only wishes to help those who suffer. Again, Loviatar seems intent upon forcing pain upon those who would rather it be gone. This is unethical. If I could find a way to make the pain stop, I would.. I mean.. I'm not sure, perhaps the pain is helpful to me in a way.. perhaps it is something that I need to experience, I am not sure anymore. My own strange situation aside, I do not agree with denying relief for those who want it, it is unethical.

My further study has revealed that Loviatar is a petty and cruel goddess and whilst I may conceive that some of her teachings are interesting and relevant to me, I can not abide the obviously evil nature that lies at the heart of her religion. Forcing her will and her pain up onto others is disgusting and wrong. Pain, like any experience should be a choice.

That being said, somehow simply contemplating this matter has allowed me to perhaps appreciate my pain in a way I hadn't considered before.

My Change Continues...

[Kelitayu]

Regarding Torture:

Much has happened these past few days. Firstly, with regret I must inform you of my failure. I couldn't shrug off my psilocybin use. My will was fading enough as it was and the.. event was enough to push me over the edge. I needed the light to combat the darkness. I will try my best to use my mushrooms in moderation and slowly endeavor to weed myself off of them. Perhaps by filling the gaps with other experiences I might be able to kick it completely in time, but for now it is something I need if I hope to cope. I can't let Ed know of my failure. Had things have worked out differently I might have had the strength to persevere. My attempt to give up my mushrooms had clearly angered the Overwizard, and he demonstrated his anger in a most obvious way. Something I can never ignore and never forget.

The Overwizard was originally a placeholder, my attempt to give a name to the architect of all creation both material and ethereal. His powers transcend the arcane and divine alike, gods and mortals are toys to him. He appeared before us as a manifestation of death, Ed and the other tallfolk call him the Bonemaster. This is either an avatar of the Overwizard or a powerful servant of his, sent to torture us. At first he was content to mock us and harm our bodies with dark magic, scare and confuse us with spells resembling that of darkness and clouds of bewilderment. Ed told me to run should I ever see the Overwizard, I tried to tell my companions but they ignored me and we hesitated too much and drew his attention. My dwarvern companions were reckless and attacked the Overwizard against my advice, that probably made him angry. We eventually got away but lost our dwarvern companions in the process. We reached the safety of tallfolk walls, at least so I had thought.

I should have known better, the Overwizard isn't hindered by walls. We could not hide and we could not ignore him. My feeble illusions and spells were useless against his avatars power. Of course he could see right through them, he is the architect of the weave itself! At some point, I'm not sure exactly when but my mind was invaded and I was violated in the most cruel manner imaginable. I experienced violation of the mind. The Overwizard saw fit to torture my mind from within, I was terrified and trapped. I experienced helplessness. My faltering willpower broke and I had to escape, my new friend was trapped and he called out for me to help him but I was too frightened. I experienced desperation. I ran for the exit but the door was locked tight, I was trapped.. my will failed and I broke down. The Overwizard appeared and mocked me, mimicking my screams for help. I experienced humiliation. I was nothing but a toy to him, to be tortured and ridiculed for his own amusement. The patrons of the tavern point and laughed at me. The pathetic G-nome, a joke. I couldn't escape. I couldn't get out. I couldn't run. I wanted to die but I couldn't. The Overwizard gave me a simple message: To never forget him. I will never forget..

The Overwizard had left a draining curse upon my mind and I feared what would happen if I were to sleep again. The Overwizards claws were still dug in deep, slicing through my mind like butter. I was tired and drained, I feared the darkness closing in. A priestess was on the way with promises of a cure though time was short and fading fast. The tallfolk tied me up, right there in the middle of the tavern, more humiliation. They used pain to keep me awake. They stabbed me through the palms with an arrow head, the pain stung and I bled but the pain kept me conscious. I scratched my nails at my cheeks, I bled. I bit my lip, it bled. My friends shocked me with zaps of lightning, I burned. The pain kept me awake until the priestess arrived and cured me of the curse, or so she thought.

No amount of pain could keep me awake any longer, I had to get some rest. I spent some time resting in the inn, I did not sleep well. The Overwizard was still present within and he tortured my mind throughout my restless sleeping, there was no compassion or mercy. After waking, I was taken by carriage across the lands to a temple of a goddess named Lady Tymora, whose priestess was able to cure me once and for all of the curse.

Regarding Experience:

I have to believe that the Overwizard sent this avatar of pain and cruelty to me for a reason, he was trying to teach me, make me experience. What have I experienced from all of this? Torture, pain, humiliation, helplessness, cruelty, desperation, violation, darkness.. This is the will of the Overwizard, to project his malice upon me. Perhaps he is curious? Will the pain destroy me or will I learn to use that pain to become stronger? Pain of the flesh is a good thing, I see that now. My ideals and ethics on magic have held me back and caused me to fail in my time of need. My hometown was destroyed by Gullymongs because we were -not prepared- for such violence! I had forsaken the school of necromancy and because of that I was not prepared to deal with this situation. Had I understood that macabre power in more depth I might have been able to save myself and my friends. What of enchantment, should I continue to leave my mind open to invasion or should I learn to protect it from further attacks? Only by studying these schools can I hope to defend myself against them. Protection from evil didn't help me, perhaps some other spell may have been more effective, the only way I'll know for sure is with study.

[Kelitayu]

Regarding Necromancy:

I find it interesting how some spells within the school of necromancy are considered legal whilst the raising of the dead is not. In my opinion it is the spells such as "Fear" which are truly unethical. Fear damages and traumatizes the mind, there is no greater cruelty in this world. Now, using otherwise useless bone matter and rotting flesh to create a useful avatar that knows no fear or suffering? The undead know no fear because they have no minds. There is nothing unethical about raising the dead and yet it is against the law whilst tormenting and controlling the mind through enchantment and fear based spells is apparently just fine. It is ridiculous!

So, how can I combat the Overwizard and protect myself from his cruelty? Well, I need to understand him. The Overwizard chose to reveal himself to me in the form of a powerful lich they call the Bonemaster. This avatar obviously has strong connections with the undead, with necromancy. Well, I'll follow in his footsteps and learn his secrets, then next time we'll see who gets the upper hand!

My journey was a long and bumpy one, I traveled across the breadth of Cormyr in search of the town of Esper. I came here once before, my friend transported me here with the use of transportation magic. There was a certain store here that held the secrets I sought. The caravan charges were steep but it was surely worth it, I got my hands on a scroll of Animate Dead. With control over the undead, given enough time I shall be able to protect myself from the Overwizard and maybe even turn the tide against him. The Overwizard uses mind magic, amongst his other tricks so I'll also need to find a way to protect my mind. Protection from Evil proved ineffective before, perhaps I can find a way to improve its strength.


Regarding Field Testing:

Deep within the Mistwood I found a secluded clearing and proceeded with my spell. I've much experience with conjuration and have pulled forth a variety of creatures from the ether. This experience was very different, however.. it felt as if something inside was siphoned, borrowed for a time.. some part of my... essence, perhaps? It was necessary in order to give un-life to the raw elemental essence of the creature. What I had created was an earth based Necromental, taking the destroyed remains of an Earth Elemental and funneling undead essence into it. The Necromental shuddered into life, it's huge bulk towered before me. It was easier than I thought it would be and I had a much easier time controling it than the time I attempted to summon a Slaad. The Slaad was fierce and chaotic, its will struggled against my own and I was unable to keep it held for long, I had to return it to the ether. Things were different with the Necromental, it was loyal and subservient. It held no emotion or fear, it was a being of utter strength and power and it was willing to serve me.

My Necromental proceeded to tear its way through a camp of bandits, an army of tallfolk felled beneath its brute strength. My conjured wolves and bears couldn't manage this, they were not nearly as effective. This is surely but a glimpse of the power the Overwizard possesses. I'll have to keep all this a secret, especially from Ed. He is a servant of law and order and he would surely not understand or appreciate this. It is better that he continue to live in ignorance. Paladins are talented at sensing dishonesty, but I am an even more talented Illusionist, I'll keep him in the dark. Ed needs me and I will continue to be his rock, he'll never know.


Shadows and dust, that's all it is.. Shadows and dust, Overwizard.. Shadows and dust.

[Kelitayu]

Regarding the Pale Grimoire:

It is a tome of ancient and secret knowledge. With this Grimoire, I can learn to protect myself from the Overwizard and his deathless avatar, the Bonemaster. Within its pages are held the most intimate secrets of many powerful individuals who were able to draw upon a unique, macabre power all its own. This is Pale Lore. There are many possible benefits to come. Many of the gifts I might hope to gain from this are actually protective in nature and it is those that interest me the most. This is the key that I have been searching for all this time. I will be protected from the negative powers of the Bonemaster and other evils that seek to invade my mind. It is interesting that this Grimoire should come to me now. There was a time where I would have destroyed such a valuable artifact, or turned it over to others for study. This is no longer the case, these days I have more confidence in myself. I have the confidence and ability to walk this path now and ironically that is all thanks to Ed. I shall never forget his kindness. My poor, naive knight in shining armor. Even those of his own faith know of his nativity. I love him all the more for sticking to his convictions. Despite all he's been through, he still selflessly fights for the wellbeing of the "innocent". I will always admire him for that.

Regarding Three Days and Nights:

Here I sit, willingly locked and sealed within the tomb of the restless dead. I have surrounded myself with negative energy and I bring with me the Pale Grimoire. Its secrets have allowed me to walk amongst the undead, they see me as one of their own. The undead skeletons stand about me, silent and motionless. They ignore my presence. Without a master to instill her will upon them, the undead have but a single goal, to destroy all life. Surely the presence of the Grimoire and the wards that I placed upon myself are the only things keeping these undead from ripping me to shreds. Despite all that I have suffered, I have no wish to destroy life, that would be evil. Dear reader, understand that I have never done anything with evil intentions. I simply wish to protect myself from the cruelty of this world, that is all I've ever wanted. If you have read all that I have written here and you still do not understand or appreciate my situation then it is best you stop reading and put this journal aside for you will never understand.

So, why am I here, locked within this tomb? Well, it is a ritual meant to siphon out a portion of my soul and replace it with pale essence. This essence will strengthen my body and infinitively more importantly, my mind. It is a necessary procedure should I wish to advance further in this particular area of study. Will all this be worth it in the end? Will it make any difference at all? I imagine it'll only be a matter of time before the Overwizard sends his avatar to torture me once again. Well, I'm confident that next time, things will be different. My mind will be as kin to an impregnable bone fortress and not even the Bonemaster will be able to breach it.



(( Maggies Pale Grimoire! ))

[Kelitayu]

Regarding Jinx - Part 2:

Who is the mistress and who is the servant? Jinx wasn't fooled for a moment, she was able to sense right away that there was something different about me. As my familiar we share a deep seated bond and I was unable to hide the truth from her. Fortunately Jinx seemed to approve of the path I had chosen though also offered words of caution. "They'll hang you, you know?" she smirked. There's no tender love or compassion between us, perhaps it's hard love? She is impressed that I was willing to walk such a risky path but she doesn't fully understand my reasonings. "No reward comes without risk" she says. Jinx is interested in power and she wants a mistress willing to do what ever it takes to become more powerful, I wonder.. is she truly what she seems? Is this yet another trick or illusion, pulled over my eyes? Power for the sake of power was never my goal, I only ever wanted to defend myself from the evils of this world. That's where our opinions are split. She isn't so concerned, she tells me that I should take lessons from the red wizards of Thay. "Advancement at any cost". I could never be that way, I have never been interested in coin or power for powers sake. It is the architect of it all, the Overwizard, the Bonemaster. It is the threat of his presence that pushes me onwards. Within the shadows I shall find my salvation, hidden away from the cruelty and the pain, forever.

Regarding Contradiction:

I expect that there are parallels to be made, similarities between my experience with Pale Lore and my... problems with regret and loss, and my mushrooms. Once again, there is the risk of falling even further into madness. Most of the accounts of Pale Masters that I've studied are that of evil and twisted individuals, tallfolk mostly. They are often egotistical dictators and servants of evil deities such as the godly entity known as Velsharoon. There are two clear paths set before me, the paths of good or evil. But perhaps there is a third, perhaps the hardest of all paths to tread. The line between good and evil, light and darkness. I think I may be destined to become a living contradiction. I can never reach Ed's level of grace but I also refuse to ever fall into the black abyss of absolute evil. Perhaps there is strength in this. It is my hope that I can learn to understand necromancy in its intimacy and through that I may learn how to better defend against it. Ultimately, perhaps I can use my dark powers for good.

Regarding Velsharoon:

The connections between Velsharoon and the Bonemaster are undeniably prevalent. These two entities are most likely connected somehow, though ultimately they are both servants of an even greater power, which is in turn likely a servant of an even greater, and so on and so forth. Ultimately, it is the artetect that is responsible for it all, that placeholder, that.. Overwizard. Velsharoon is a mere puppet of the Overwizard, as we all are. He was mortal once, a tallfolk and a red wizard at that. He likely stepped over the bones of thousands to reach godhood. He is ruthless, cruel and petty. His evil is precisely the kind of influence I need to avoid and defend myself against. He is the tallfolk deity of necromancy, well this is one necromancer he won't get his claws on. He is my enemy, just as the Bonemaster is. They are all cruel entities who wish to instill pain upon myself and others, but I won't let them, not again. The actions of this evil deities clergy is likely one of the main reasons the raising of undead is against the laws here in Cormyr.

Regarding the Scourge:

It is the reckless and evil actions of irresponsible necromancers that cause the dead to rise and run rampant. There are unholy sites full of uncontrolled undead that slaughter and kill anyone, regardless. To counter this there are mighty heroes, warriors and priests who battle against the undead but they never truly destroy the scourge, merely delay it's inevitable advance. Countless times myself and other adventurers have cleared crypts full of undead only to find them full again within but a few weeks. Why is this? Because no one of good nature ever dares to truely understand the undead, not in the way I have. That could be the real joke, the real illusion. Ed would surely condemn me if he found the truth but perhaps the world needs people that are willing to walk the dark path for the sake of the light. Either way, I've got nothing to lose. Except love.. but what is love?

Regarding the Weakness of the Flesh:

I've explained this before, the weakness and impurity of the flesh. The mind is flawed, it is bombarded with fantasy and reality, regret, happiness, sadness, pain, laughter, hatred, jealousy, pity.. good and evil. It's too much to bare. I am broken and I can't be fixed, the only option left is transformation. I must become something different, something better. There is much to gain in loss. Each time I perform the dark rituals described in my Grimoire I can feel a little part of myself fades away. I sacrifice my mind, my soul, my very self, piece by piece, bit by bit. It is a good thing, what do you do when your crossbow is covered in mold, when the metal has rusted, when the trigger is broken and the string has no tension? You break it down, sell off the pieces and you purchase a new one, a better one. Using my Grimoire I am able to forsake the weakness of the flesh and embrace the cold, solid certainty of bone. It has always been my ethics that have and continue to hold me back, I can not in good conscience do what I must, the weakness of the mind and the flesh. I don't need this stage any longer, I am the dance. I have found a new stage, a better one.

Ultimately?

I wish to be pure. A survivor … to truly reach this point I need to be unclouded by conscience, remorse, or delusions of morality.

[Kelitayu]

Regarding Blackout:

I'm not sure what happened, I was standing before the oven with a padded glove on my hand. I reach down and pull the tray out, the pie wasn't ready yet.. I paced back and forth across the kitchen, I glance to over to my right. Sam was standing at the table chopping up some meat. Then things went a little, weird. I remember something, maybe it was a dream.. Something about.. being.. Smothered or...

Anyway, the next thing I remember was standing outside the door of the guard house just east of the tallfolk city, Suzail. It was pouring with rain and I think I was taking shelter in the door way, I looked around and saw my good friend Ian. I think I may have had some sort of blackout, lost some time. I don't think I died.. no.. it wasn't like that. This kind of thing has happened before, things get stuck on a loop, time stands still or suddenly gets lost. Time isn't all that valuable anyway, it's just a commodity, like coin. We gain some, we lose some. Some of the biscuits mentioned something about a Red Wizard and him raising the dead. I don't remember any of what happened but it's a good reminder that I need to keep my secret safe. There is an hysterical reaction towards the undead, regardless of the practitioners disposition or reasons, we're all labeled as evil.

Regarding Biscuits:

These past few months have been a bit of a blur, I always seem to be with Ian and we always seem to be going on a quest, searching for something.. Something valuable, an answer? Ian has a dream, he wants to swim in a bath of coin.. It's a strange dream but at least it's something. I latch onto him like a leech, at least I'm not alone now. Ed is my lover but he's always busy, off helping refugees or working on his trial. It's alright, I have a family now.. It's almost like being back home, except with more death and bloodshed.. at least we have a fun time and make jokes to offset the misery. I'm a different person around them, I feel happy.. I enjoy myself even. We're often killing strong Gullymongs or other powerful beasts. It's alright, I get to see new places and I feel safe enough. I make myself useful with wards and then I get to stay back and shoot Goldenshot from a distance. This is the Maganda I should be, safe, surrounded by those who love me and whom I love in return. Time spent without the biscuits have fallen into shadows.

Regarding Time Alone:

The mind doesn't like to be alone, loneliness causes harm, more nails of pain drilling into the skull. It's the same when taking my mushrooms, I need sensory input or things go bad. In what we might call reality, I need the social interaction and love or the same thing happens. Without these things, the world gets dark and sinister and it's alarming how quickly things can change. Time spent with the biscuits is light and time alone is spent in darkness. Many of my family are strongly apposed to the raising of the dead, my priest friend Ivae would surely try to kill me if he learned the truth. It's fine, I'm an illusionist, destined to live within the shadows. What my family doesn't know, can't hurt them. 

[Kelitayu]

Drifter.. you see? Swimming through life.

Things always changing. In constant flux.

You are not a good person. You had your chance.

You caved. You failed.

Good morning. Good night. You wake up at twilight.

Move on now. Keep searching. Keep experiencing.

Don't stay. Don't stagnate.

You don't even need to try. You'll find your good time.

Be what you are. Be what you were meant to be.

Take your scalpel. Stick it in deep.

Pain is your game. Misery is your friend.

Your mind is torn. A villain is born.

You're petty. End it, silly.

Where are you going?

Far, far away.

Take me with you.

Take me on your dark journey.

Lord Psilofyr, take me far away, to the hearts of light.

The silence.

I give you my breath.

My life.

The silence.