'Frozen'

[celisea]

She could feel the wet trickle waver down her face, but her hands she could not reach. It happened again, another dream, another terrible night. She awoke with the same sensation she always had ever since she can remember. The sensation of being helpless. Her body would not move no matter how hard she tried, and not even a whisper could she muster. So she lay paralyzed waiting for it to pass, praying that this time it would be the last. Even if she had prayed that very same thing a thousand times before, something deep inside her clung to hope.

'A silent scream that echoes in her head,
as she tries to force herself out of bed,
knowing that this may be the night,
that death's embrace comes to hold her tight,

Afraid and alone as she shivers in the dark,
a feeling called hope she manages to spark,
believing she is stronger than she thinks herself to be,
one day these chains will break and set her free.'

[celisea]

The dominion of choice.

The light in her eyes seems to flicker as thoughts and emotions take their toll. Her life feels far more embellished than it does real, decorations depicting what she wants people to see, somehow catching herself in her own web of lies and deceit. Not sure as to how it happened but somewhere a long the way she fell for her own words.

I live for other people's happiness. I am a shadow of a person, the outline of what was drawn, never brought to life.

The swirling mass of images cluttering her mind are inchoate, she can't even pause for a moment to focus a single clear conception. Decisions need to be made, there are people she needs to talk to, things that need to be said. As she tries to figure out how best to handle each situation, she realizes that yet another night has passed by. Her mind slowly shifts to Razem, the only person that remains cloudless in her mind, she can see him perfectly. Her disposition quickly becomes sullen and words travel swiftly in regard to him.

'Live' is what you said, whispering softly a word that I did not understand. I hated you then, sometimes I still do. Never quite knowing what the night will bring, back when you were here I always knew. What was it you use to sing to me.. it seems so long ago, words spoken to ease my sleep, a song that lost all of its tune once you were gone.

'When shadows take hold of who you are,
close your eyes for I am not that far,
hold onto your faith that is the light,
awake in the morning and remember not the night.'

There was more.. but my mind is strained. Is it ...strained? Pieces of memories shattered and I can't seem to find them. Even if I did stumble across them, could I piece them back together? Does it even matter? Now I've done it again... I focused onto something else, before even solving my current dilemmas.

A soft sigh would escape from her lips as the sun set high.

[celisea]

Taking a deep breathe, once again she felt at peace. She was sitting on the rooftop of the old abandoned farm house out west of great gaunt, just staring up at the sky as she had done in the past. It was getting late, but the beautiful clear sky was too much for her to care about time or.... sleep. Deciding long ago that moments like these were more precious than the mundane parts of her everyday life. Knowing full well that she would be exhausted the following day... as she had been for the past few months. The last time she slept for more than two or three hours was long ago, a now distant memory. She rubbed her forehead, recalling something that had been said to her.

You stopped seeking.

She doesn't remember what she was seeking, let alone how it became that she had stopped. But somewhere deep down inside those words clicked true to her. Soon after, she began to pay attention to her conversations and actions she took with others, realizing that they were not the same as they once were. He was right she had stopped seeking. At some point in all the chaos she lost herself, pulling on a mask to cover up what she herself no longer wished to see. Just now... in this moment she realized how much it had taken out of her. She can't remember the last time she cried, let alone let anyone see her in pain. Covering it up with fear of anyone seeing just how weak she really was, even if everyone she's ever met has told her she was plenty strong.

What am I so afraid of?

She rapped the rooftop out of frustration. Being someone who was good with words, disguises, and figuring people out, she had nothing for herself. Not anymore, she decided she was tired of living for other people. It was time to start seeking again, even if she didn't know what it was she was searching for. Understanding that this path will cause her to get even less sleep, to be more troubled, and maybe lose several friends. In the end it was worth it, and it's the same path she'd choose for herself always. Now she was able to grasp the meaning as to why she was so weak. And the thoughts quickly echoed in her mind.

Why am I weak?... Because I am so strong. I guess.. pretending to be strong causes far more weakness in a person than if I were actually strong. Maybe it's time.. to just let it all go, take all of it in one motion and let it flow from my body. It's okay... to hate him, at least for a little while, just long enough to get it out, and then I can start seeking again.

She curled herself up into a ball, wrapping her arms tightly around her knees as she pulled them close, and placed her face down over top her arms. She stayed that way for several hours, letting herself quietly hate him, as night slowly turned to day once more.

[celisea]

She retreated to a nearby rooftop after the trial was over. As the rain was pouring down around her, she found herself laughing. With no self control left in her, she just let it take over. The whole thing seemed ridiculous, but then again she was never one for courts or laws. She recalled something she had said that made her laugh even more.

In defense of the clown.

After a few moments she stopped, a soft sigh escaped from her lips as she bundled her cloak tightly around herself. She had tried to hate Aris, in the end she just felt disappointed, but not in him. She wondered if it was somehow her fault that he was pushed this far, or perhaps this was inevitable, that someday he was going to go too far. It didn't really matter anymore, and even if she hadn't stayed for the verdict she could guess the outcome. Sighing once more she felt something wet on her face, underneath her hood that had been pulled down to bundle her up from the rain. One managed to escape, but she wouldn't let anymore follow. She whispered softly out upon the winds.

I'm sorry... I really thought I was helping you... next time I'll do it better... next time.

She smiled faintly glancing out across the city. She knew morning would be here soon, and she had already delayed far too long. It wasn't in the courthouse after all, it was time to go searching again.

[celisea]

Feeling content with what the day had brought she finally escaped to the depths of her mind. Sitting in front of a lake, she let her hands gently brush the grass around her. She closed her eyes thinking of him, she remembered what she said she would do. Pulling out a journal from her pack, a quill and ink shortly after, she began to write.

'Memories slipping away like fallen leaves,
I sit here wondering if you still see,
The reflection the water once held,
Of the person that use to be me.'

It wasn't exactly what was intended, but at the time that's how she felt. She closed her eyes taking in a deep breathe of fresh air, before opening them again and continuing to write.

It smells now just as it did back then. The scent of the rain as it first starts falling down.

She stops, placing everything back into her pack, her eyes fixed on the falling rain as it touches the surface of the water. She bundles herself up, pulling her hood down and wrapping a cloak around herself. She can feel her eyes growing heavy, the more she tries to keep them open the worse the feeling of tiredness gets. No longer able to withstand the urge, her eyes drift closed and her body remains still.

[celisea]

She'd finally finished the words she's been trying so hard to speak to him. Taking her several years, but now she was finished, all that was left was to let them travel upon the winds. She spoke softly making sure that each word would reach him.

I see you,
when no words are spoken,
I feel you,
shattered and broken,

Chasing fading memories,
keep up the pace,
soon I won't remember,
that look upon your face,

The voice so softly spoken,
knowing what to say,
praying to have you,
forever and always,

Reaching out to nothing,
feeling just the same,
I ask myself,
am I to blame,

A gentle breeze,
passes me on by,
the answer I know,
so instead I just sigh,

My feet begin to falter,
knees start to give way,
I just can't keep chasing,
being lead astray,

Searching for the memory,
of where your love did start,
I'll take hold of them all,
and place them in my heart.

She glanced to the sky, it was still night out. She pulled her hood down tight and decided to steal the moment. She closed her eyes and slept peacefully, for the first time in a very long time.

[celisea]

Riell was really gone after all. She couldn't believe it, the words stuck on the tip of her tongue. She wondered how someone could do that. She didn't want to be alone right now, left with her thoughts, but she was pushed away, and left alone anyways. So she wandered, her thoughts mercilessly following after her, and she tried to sort it all out. She stopped in Skull Crag, sitting in the snow just behind the inn. The cold embraced her and the chill helped calm her thoughts.

How could you... Riell. Did life truly mean so little to you. I just don't understand. How do you feel so hollow inside, that you just want to let it all go. There were so many people.. who cared deeply about you, but you left... without even saying goodbye.

She sighed, pushing herself up from the ground. She glanced to the sky as she made her way to the inn, and she softly whispered.

Goodbye Riell.