Funny lists

[DM Grizwald]

Top ten indicators that a redneck has been working on your computer
10. The monitor is up on blocks.

9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.

8. The six front keys have rotted out.

7. The extra RAM slots have truck parts installed in them.

6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.

5. The password is "Huntin".

4. The CPU has a gun rack mount.

3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.

2. The keyboard is camouflaged.

1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".

[DM Grizwald]

The top ten signs that your co-worker is a computer hacker
10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20,000.

9. He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes three years running.

8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.

7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.

6. Somehow he/she gets HBO on his PC at work.

5. Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez" 95 times during the movie "The Net"

4. Massive RRSP contribution made in half-cent increments.

3. Video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons

2. When his computer starts up, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr. President."

1. You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card now, jerk."

[DM Grizwald]

Top ten signs that you are too drunk
10. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.

9. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

8. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

7. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

6. You can focus better with one eye closed.

5. You fall off the floor.

5. The whole bar greets you when you come in.

4. You haven't had a driver's license in such a long time that you have forgotten what one looks like.

3. Roseanne looks good.

2. You don't recognize your wife/husband unless seen through bottom of glass.

1. You spent more time on the floor than you do standing up.

[ChrilWavingdark]

How do you know when david can't play nwn?



HE POSTS RANDOM CRAP LIKE THIS!


LOL I love you buddy.

[moulinous]

the worse things to ever hear in bed as a guy....
10: You are already done?
9:What the hell are you doing back there?
8:wow, my last boyfreind was so much bigger....
7: Cant we just cuddle tonight?
6: It happens to alot of guys...
5: You ever fantisize about my sister/best freind?
4: Crap, i forgot to take my pill today.
3: No, silly, that is not a pic of my brother. That is me before the operation...
2:Man, it MUST be cold in here!
1: Honey, I am home!

[ChrilWavingdark]

LOL is all I have to say

[DM Grizwald]

chrilwavingdark said:

How do you know when david can't play nwn?



HE POSTS RANDOM CRAP LIKE THIS!


LOL I love you buddy.

......so

[marklar]

moulinous said:

the worse things to ever hear in bed as a guy....
10: You are already done?
9:What the hell are you doing back there?
8:wow, my last boyfreind was so much bigger....
7: Cant we just cuddle tonight?
6: It happens to alot of guys...
5: You ever fantisize about my sister/best freind?
4: Crap, i forgot to take my pill today.
3: No, silly, that is not a pic of my brother. That is me before the operation...
2:Man, it MUST be cold in here!
1: Honey, I am home!

i'm going to add to that "I just wanna talk right now." lol heard that one a few times, i just sleep

[Driderman]

I'm pretty sure the sentence "Oh yeah, my period should be starting today" should be on that list as well...

[DM Grizwald]

driderman said:

I'm pretty sure the sentence "Oh yeah, my period should be starting today" should be on that list as well...

.................HAHAHAHAHAH!

[DM the Usurper]

25 Signs you have grown up

for you youngn's, just you wait and see . . .


25 SIGNS YOU HAVE GROWN UP

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door
won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You take naps.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of
one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset,
rather than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and
pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good *chickenwing*."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to
drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them
instead of asking "Oh *chickenwing* what the hell happened?"

Bonus:

26: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that
doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass.

[racestark]

I do too know what time Taco Bell closes.

[DM the Usurper]

FW: George Carlin's new rules for 2006
>
> New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a
> reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't
> particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the
> football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
>
> New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless
> you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was
> found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What
did
> you expect it to contain? Trout?
>
> New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,
blonde
> teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these
> kids: lucky bastards.
>
> New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care
about
> your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
>
> New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle
of
> this crap at the supermarket ââ'¬" water, but without that watery
taste.
> Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored
water?
> Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
>
> New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a
redesigned
> pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the
> bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will
be
> in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social
Security
> crisis.
>
> New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the
*bung-hole*.
> If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy,
half-low
> fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light
> ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge
*bung-hole*.
>
>
> New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my
card,
> entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount,
deciding,
> no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is
> supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
>
> New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't
> make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it
> translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything
> spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not
> spiritual. You're just high.
>
> New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly
> sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because
> watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting.
> What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that.
It's
> called "The Howard Stern Show."
>
> New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms,
> I'll go nuts and eat two.
>
> New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy,
old
> television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a
remote
> so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the
> reason something was a television show in the first place is that the
idea
> wasn't good enough to be a movie.
>
> New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
> weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.
> Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you
isn't
> gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
>
> New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants.
After
> I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex
> with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or
> just some freak with a fetish. don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I
> just want to wash my hands.
>
> New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in
> months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese.
And
> I didn't really care in the first place

[DM the Usurper]

a Bill of NON-Rights."

ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV, or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.

ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone -- not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc.; but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.

ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.

ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes. (This one is my pet peeve...get an education and go to work....don't expect everyone else to take care of you!)

ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public health care.

ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim, or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.

ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat, or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big screen color TV or a life of leisure.

ARTICLE VIII: You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want you to have a job, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful. (AMEN!)

ARTICLE IX: You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to PURSUE happiness, which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an over abundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.

ARTICLE X: This is an English speaking country. We don't care where you are from, English is our language. Learn it or go back to wherever you came from! (lastly....)

ARTICLE XI: You do not have the right to change our country's history or heritage. This country was founded on the belief in God. And yet, you are given the freedom to believe in any religion, any faith, or no faith at all; with no fear of persecution. The phrase IN GOD WE TRUST is part of our heritage and history, and if you are uncomfortable with it, TOUGH!!!!

[Driderman]

In the everlasting words of David Bowie:

"...I'm afraid of Americans..."

[moulinous]

Rules That Women Need To Learn

1.. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up put it down.
2.. Do not cut your hair. Ever.
3.. Sometimes, he is not thinking about you. Live with it.
4.. Get rid of your cat.
5.. Sunday = Sports.
6.. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us.
7.. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
8.. You have enough clothes.
9.. You have too many shoes.
10..Crying is blackmail.
11..Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work.
12..Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
13..Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from
pointblank range. We are bound to miss sometimes.
14..Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers.
15..A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
16..Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective than deceived.
17..Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an
argument.
18..If you do not dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, do not expect
us to act like soap opera guys.
19..If something we said could be interpreted two ways, and one of the
ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
20..Let us ogle. If we do not look at other women, how can we know how
pretty you are?
21..Do not rub the lamp if you do not want the genie to come out.
22..You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it
done ... not both.
23..Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
24..Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to
complain about having their boobs stared at.

[moulinous]

GOOD-BAD-WORSSSSSE
(a list my wife had,lol)

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Worse: Your daughter has them.

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Worse: You're in them.

Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a crossdresser.
Worse: He looks better than you.

Good: Your son's finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Worse: So are you.

Good: You give the birds and bees speech to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Worse: With corrections.

Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Worse: She's a lawyer.

Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: The postman had the same idea.
Worse: You have to wait.

[DM Grizwald]

"Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: The postman had the same idea.
Worse: You have to wait. "


HAHAH good stuff moul!

[ShadowCatJen]

Dang it! You made me laugh out loud at work! >_<

Very funny stuff!

[moulinous]

Top Five Flavors at a San Fransico Ice Cream Palor

1; Double Fudge Packed
2; Big Balls Gumball Ice Cream
3; French Man Vanillia
4; Rocky's Rod
5; Men & Chip MInt

You know you are Canadian when...
1. You stand in "line-ups" at the movie, not lines.
2. You're not offended by the term, "Homo Milk".
3. You understand the phrase, "Could you please pass me a serviette, I just spilled my
poutine?"
4. You eat chocolate bars instead of candy bars.
5. You drink pop, not soda.
6. You know that a mickey and 2-4's mean "Party at the camp,eh!?"
7. You don't hold your hand on your breast when you sing the national anthem.
8. You can drink legally while still a 'teen.
9. You know that francophones, anglophones and allophones are not electronic devices.
12. You're not sure if the leader of our nation has EVER had sex and don't want to know if he
has!
13. You get milk in bags as well as cartons and plastic jugs.
14. You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.
15. You know that Mounties "don't always look like that."
16. You read rather than scanned this list.
17. You dismiss all beers under 6% as "for children and the elderly".
19. Your backpack has only one Canadian flag sew-on.
21. You know the French equivalents of "free", "prize" and "no sugar added", thanks to
your extensive education in bilingual cereal packaging.
22. You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.
25. You know what a touque is.
26. You know Toronto is not a province.
29. You laugh afterward at some U.S. citizen's lack of knowledge of Canadian geography, but
you are too polite to correct them.

[DM the Usurper]

don't forget that you pay to play pool with ducks....err..loons

[DM Grizwald]

moulinous said:

You know you are Canadian when...
1. You stand in "line-ups" at the movie, not lines.
2. You're not offended by the term, "Homo Milk".
3. You understand the phrase, "Could you please pass me a serviette, I just spilled my
poutine?"
4. You eat chocolate bars instead of candy bars.
5. You drink pop, not soda.
6. You know that a mickey and 2-4's mean "Party at the camp,eh!?"
7. You don't hold your hand on your breast when you sing the national anthem.
8. You can drink legally while still a 'teen.
9. You know that francophones, anglophones and allophones are not electronic devices.
12. You're not sure if the leader of our nation has EVER had sex and don't want to know if he
has!
13. You get milk in bags as well as cartons and plastic jugs.
14. You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.
15. You know that Mounties "don't always look like that."
16. You read rather than scanned this list.
17. You dismiss all beers under 6% as "for children and the elderly".
19. Your backpack has only one Canadian flag sew-on.
21. You know the French equivalents of "free", "prize" and "no sugar added", thanks to
your extensive education in bilingual cereal packaging.
22. You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.
25. You know what a touque is.
26. You know Toronto is not a province.
29. You laugh afterward at some U.S. citizen's lack of knowledge of Canadian geography, but
you are too polite to correct them.

'
so true...oh so true