Jokes for you- jokes for me. Jokes for everybody.

[sneakingyoda]

I saw the ROFL thread but it was 14 pages long. Decided to start a joke posting thread.

Lets do a dirt level check though: before posting your joke tell us what it's dirt rating is on a scale of 1-5.

(*)
1. No dirt- so clean your teeth will hurt.

(**)
2. A little dirt- hey, completely clean jokes arn't funny.

(***)
3. Half dirt- yeah, it's involves some dirt- but it's funny!

(****)
4. Healthy helping -o- dirt - MMmMmmmm

(*****)
5. Dirty is dirty dirt- Actually offends people if you tell it wrong. (so becareful with them fives.)

;D

[sneakingyoda]

Rating: **

Once upon a time there were two brothers.

One brother was very mischievous, always getting into trouble.

The other brother, however, was very good. He was always
kind to animals, helped elderly neighbors, and led an exemplary
life.

As time went on, the brothers stayed in touch but were never close.

The evil brother became a heavy drinker and a womanizer.

The good brother was a devoted husband and father and
supported many charities.

Suddenly the evil brother died.

After a few years, the good brother passed away,
went to heaven and was rewarded with a happy afterlife.

One day he went to God and asked, "Where is my brother? He died
before me, but I have not seen him here in heaven."

God replied, "As you know, your brother led an evil life, so he is
not spending eternity here in heaven. He has been sent elsewhere."

"I'm sorry to hear that", the good brother replied.
"But I do miss him and wish I could see him again."

"You can see him if you wish", God said.
"I will give you the power to gaze into hell."

The power was granted and the good brother gazed into hell.
Before long he saw his brother sitting on a bench.
In one arm he held a keg of beer, and in the other he
cradled a gorgeous young blonde model.

Startled and confused, he turned to God and said, "I can't believe
what I'm seeing. I have found my brother, and he has a keg of beer
in one arm and a beautiful woman in the other! Surely, hell cannot
be all that bad." God explained, "Things are not always as they
seem, the keg has a hole in it, the blonde doesnt.”

[heimdall]

** <-- only worth a two star as the computer is trying to censor "co.ckpit"...

The entrance opens, two men dressed in Pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the co.ckpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.

The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.

As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the co.ckpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."

[racestark]

***

Guy walks into a bar and orders himself a drink. As he's sipping his beer, he looks down at the other end of the bar and spots a mug as tall as a man filled to the brim with beer. He leans over the bar and says to the bartender, "Can I get one of them?"
The bartender looks at him and says, "Sure, but money ain't gonna buy you that beer. You're gonna hafta to complete three tasks in order to get that mug."
So the guy shrugs and says, "I'm game."
The bartender replies, "Alrighty then. Task number one. You see that big guy over there standing near the pool tables?" The bartender points to a big burly man who stands more than a head taller than the patron. The guy nods and the bartender continues, "You're gonna hafta beat the living hell out of him."
"Task number two. You see that little old lady over there?" The guy nods and the bartender proceeds, "She's 95 years old and hasn't known the touch of a man in well over 50 years. You're gonna hafta bring her to climax." The guy nods.
"Task number three. Up on the second floor we got ourselves a bull. He's got a toothache that's been bothering him for months and he keeps gorging any vets that go to check on him. You're gonna hafta pull his rotten tooth out. Complete all three tasks and that mug and its contents are your's."
The guy nods and says, "I'll be back in a bit.
He walks up to the big, burly guy by the pool table and literally beats the hell out of him. Once he's got him lying in a pool of his own blood, he marches upstairs to where the bull is. Everyone downstairs hears a rackett like they've never heard for about ten minutes when the guy walks downstairs, a bit bloody and bruised, but no worse for the wear.
He looks around once and says to the bartender, "Alright, where's that old lady with the toothache?"

[♥Zach♥]

****

Once there were three brothers, their names were "Zip", "Dick", and "Pee". One day they decided to start trouble at school, Dick hid inside the cabnet, Zip hid on top of the cabnet and Pee ran around in the hallway.

The teacher came in and yelled "ZIP down! Dick out! Pee in the corner!"

LOL poty humer but I think it's funny ;D

[sneakingyoda]

*



How can you tell when a moth farts?






... It flies in a strait line for a moment.

[heimdall]

*

Mike was going to be married to Karen so his father sat him down for a little chat.

He said, "Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and said, "Here - try these on."

She did and said, "These are too big. I can't wear them."

I replied, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will."

Ever since that night, we have never had any problems.

"Hmmm," said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try. On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, "Here, try these on."

She tried them on and said, "These are too large. They don't fit me."

Mike said, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that."

Then Karen took off her pants and handed them to Mike.

She said, "Here you try on mine."

He did and said, "I can't get into your pants."

Karen said, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will."

[DM Grizwald]

(**)

3 Men go out golfing, Moses, Jesus and a really old man.

Moses tee's up and hits a really nice straight drive right by the green.

Jesus tee's up and hits a super beautiful shot and it lands just inches from the hole.

Finally the really old man walks up and tee's up. Unfortunatly he shanks the ball into the water. But just as it hits the water a fish swims up, swallows the ball and jumps out of the water. As he is mid-air, a bird swoops down and picks up the fish and flies over the green. As soon as he is directly over the green he drops the fish, then the fish lets the ball roll out of his mouth where it circles the green a few times and rolls into the hole.

Just then Jesus turns to the old man and says, "Dad quit fcuking around".

[DM Grizwald]

(****)
One day there was a blind man walking down the street and he smelled oranges, so he bought some fruit.
He smelled some pastries, so he bought some donuts.

Then he walked passed a fish market, took a hard sniff, and said, "Hello ladies!"

[thogrimur]

*

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies.

As they stand at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter Paradise and meet their maker, God decides to grant each person one wish because of the grief they have experienced.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says, "I want to be gorgeous too."

Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous, but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing.

When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing, laughing, and laughing,

Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks, what his wish will be.

The guy eventually calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again!"