Post by Ehver on Aug 1, 2009 22:19:42 GMT -5
I came back for this. For this little book, all bent and crumpled and covered in dust, hidden beneath that floorboard I found years ago. I came back for this, and all the scraps of memory contained within its pages. I read it. Or scanned it, at least. Most of it is all rubbish, trash, momentary impulses, impressions, habits, whims, carelessness, curiosity. Most of it, really, is nothing at all.
I never did try. I can’t count how many times in these pages I wrote “even though I’m trying” or “I will try” or something stupid like that. I never did try. I never wanted to try. Perhaps I wanted to think I was trying. Perhaps I wanted to live in the little dream world I created for myself. In the end, though, I left. And I did not feel sad. I abandoned it all without a goodbye, as I always, always, always do. I never tried. I played a game, and when I got bored, I left it with the pieces still scattered over the field.
Well, just so.
What now?
I don’t intend to stay here long. I came for this – my journal, left behind. I thought I might also see who happens to still be around, as well. Clarke, specifically. I asked about him. And Teneas too, and Elvewyn. I didn’t ask about Warrick. I am a little afraid of learning the answer to that, I must admit. What happened to him, after I left? What did he do? Is he still –here-? Will I see him again? Will I be forced to look up into his eyes after having abandoned him – my fiancé – without so much as a word of farewell, let alone explanation?
Ah, the idea is a little frightening. I’m not entirely sure how I would handle a situation as utterly dramatic as that. Yes, I don’t think I’ll stay here for long. I’ll poke around for a familiar face or two, and whether I find them or not, I’ll slip off and return “home”.
Really now, why did I even come back –here-?
I suppose I shall think of this as... a vacation. Heh.
I never did try. I can’t count how many times in these pages I wrote “even though I’m trying” or “I will try” or something stupid like that. I never did try. I never wanted to try. Perhaps I wanted to think I was trying. Perhaps I wanted to live in the little dream world I created for myself. In the end, though, I left. And I did not feel sad. I abandoned it all without a goodbye, as I always, always, always do. I never tried. I played a game, and when I got bored, I left it with the pieces still scattered over the field.
Well, just so.
What now?
I don’t intend to stay here long. I came for this – my journal, left behind. I thought I might also see who happens to still be around, as well. Clarke, specifically. I asked about him. And Teneas too, and Elvewyn. I didn’t ask about Warrick. I am a little afraid of learning the answer to that, I must admit. What happened to him, after I left? What did he do? Is he still –here-? Will I see him again? Will I be forced to look up into his eyes after having abandoned him – my fiancé – without so much as a word of farewell, let alone explanation?
Ah, the idea is a little frightening. I’m not entirely sure how I would handle a situation as utterly dramatic as that. Yes, I don’t think I’ll stay here for long. I’ll poke around for a familiar face or two, and whether I find them or not, I’ll slip off and return “home”.
Really now, why did I even come back –here-?
I suppose I shall think of this as... a vacation. Heh.