Abii
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Department of Corrections
Beeing good is overrated..
Posts: 273
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Post by Abii on Dec 13, 2017 10:44:47 GMT -5
I think this might be fun for everyone to put in this thread good jokes that you all heard in RL life or other some funny situations!
I will start.
Today when i was at work, my wife told me that she bought me already a present for christams and hide it in house with my 3 years daughter, she also mentioned that she explained her that she cant tell me whats inside. Okey i thought.
When i came back home and opened door, my sweety just runed to me and yell "Daddy! Mommy bought and hide your new mouse!" ='D
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Abii
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Department of Corrections
Beeing good is overrated..
Posts: 273
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Post by Abii on Dec 13, 2017 11:08:08 GMT -5
Well build man enters the bar with gun and says; Who had sex with my wife?
Whole hall in silence, but sudenly from the other side random voice is heared.
You dont have enought bullets!
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Mother while cleaning her sons room, found under his bed porn 'sadomaso' newspapers. When husband came after work she told to him:
You know Frank, I found under our son bed these papers, you know, masks, binded naked people and all. What are we going to do with it ?
Husband replies: I dont know, but im guessin that claps isnt good idea...
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Two idiots have met and talked;
Hey, lets fly on sun! No way, we will get burned! You idiot, we will fly at night...
Hope you enjoy!
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spyd3r97344
Proven Member
Without a copy NWN EE......
Posts: 169
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Post by spyd3r97344 on Dec 13, 2017 21:52:50 GMT -5
I have a cynical one for you.
Man walks into the library ask the librarian where can I find a book on how to commit suicide?
Librarian looks at the man and says no you won't bring it back.
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Abii
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Department of Corrections
Beeing good is overrated..
Posts: 273
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Post by Abii on Dec 14, 2017 9:55:34 GMT -5
Thats a good one Spyder Heres come this; King of Jungle, old Lion gathered all the animals and says Today is very importa.. *Suddenly little frog starts to repeat his words with squeaky voice* Lion looked at frog and ingored it, the started again his words; Today is very important day for our Ju.... *Frog did it once again* After that lion looked once again at frog and focused on her his angry gaze then he repeat. Today is very important day for our Jungle, becouse off Ta.... *Frog once again repeat Lion words with her squeaky voice* This time Lion coudnt handle it and says; Enought! Take this Green shi t out of my eyes!
Then frog yelled!- You heard that Croco, get outta here!
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Post by nemusator on Dec 15, 2017 7:22:04 GMT -5
Man walks into doctors ordination.
-Doctor, doctor! Please help me!
-*doctor stops scribbling, looks at him over his glasses...* What is the problem?
-I... Oh I feel so bad... And ashamed... You see... *comes closer to the doctor and whispers* I can't stop pooping it is terrible!
*doctor smiles* Calm down. Here, *takes some pills out of his drawer* Just drink these, they will cause constipation and you will be fine..
-Oh thank you thank you! *man eagerly takes the pills and goes home*
When patient left.. Doctor realizes... He has given him antidepressants instead constipation pills... *face palms himself*
Since he didn't have patient's contact, he had to wait that patient comes for scheduled control...
...
After one week, patient enters the ordination...
Doctor, slightly blushing, asks.... -And how are you feeling?
-Awesome! My entire house is pooped up, my wife, kids, dog, aquarium... But I never felt better, thanks for the pills!
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Abii
~
Department of Corrections
Beeing good is overrated..
Posts: 273
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Post by Abii on Dec 17, 2017 14:39:29 GMT -5
Mouse enter the inn, she goes slowly to the innkeeper.
Is cat sleeping ?*she ask with terrified voice* Yes -Innkeeper replied
Alright. Gimme a drink then.
After a while same mouse enters inn again.
Is cat sleeping ?*she ask again with scared voice*
Yes -Innkeeper replied
Alright. Gimme a two drinks then.
In less than 15 minutes, mouse badly drunked hits the door of inn and yells.
Barman! Three drinks and wake the cat!
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Post by FORSETIS on Dec 18, 2017 16:03:19 GMT -5
Rated R, for adult language.
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Post by malclave on Dec 18, 2017 16:21:09 GMT -5
Rated R, for adult language. Makes you wonder how "the talk" went between Grillo and Tae.
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Abii
~
Department of Corrections
Beeing good is overrated..
Posts: 273
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Post by Abii on Jan 23, 2018 15:56:35 GMT -5
A husband and wife were grocery shopping. He picks up a case of beer and puts it in the cart. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies. "Put them back, we can't afford them", demands the wife. They continue shopping. Later on, she puts a $20 jar of face cream in the basket. "What are you doing?" asks the husband. "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife. He said, "So does 24 cans of beer and it's half the price."
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Abii
~
Department of Corrections
Beeing good is overrated..
Posts: 273
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Post by Abii on Jan 30, 2018 7:41:39 GMT -5
Just a few for today *grins*
Some males are chauvinist pigs. They are repeating that females place is at kitchen... But I'm asking here "Who will clean the rest of home ?"
What is the longest word in the English language? "Smiles". Because there is a mile between its first and last letters!
Teacher: Maria please point to America on the map. Maria: This is it. Teacher: Well done. Now class, who found America? Class: Maria did.
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Abii
~
Department of Corrections
Beeing good is overrated..
Posts: 273
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Post by Abii on Feb 9, 2018 15:48:45 GMT -5
Little Jake ask father, "Daddy, whats the difference between theory and practice ?" Son- father reply, "Go and ask mother if she woudl have sex with homeless guy for 20,000$
Jake asks mom about this, she replys, Jake, let me think... Well we need a new kitchens furniture, I woudl do that... Jake goes back to father and say to him what mother said, Alright son, now go and ask you sister about same thing. Jake asks sister, then she reply to him, Jake, i need modern clothes and cash for partys, I woudl do that... Jake goes back to father and say to him what sister said, Alright son, now go and ask your grandfather about same thing. Jake goes to granny, then granny reply to him, Oh Jake, jake.. I'm old now, in my age I woudl like to buy a new car, I woudl do that. Jake goes back to father and say to him what granny said, Alright son, now you understand the difference ?
Little Jake says, No I don't... *Father stands proudly speak* Look Jake... In theory we have 60,000$, in practice 2 whores and gay.
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Post by mandene on Feb 12, 2018 9:00:17 GMT -5
The local police get fed up with the speeding situation, and decide that instead of punishing people with tickets, they will give a prize to the one person who's keeping the limit. So a patrol car stands at a road with a measuring radar.... and wait.... and wait.... and wait...
Finally! There's the one approaching car that keeps to the speed limit. The police stops the car. They give the driver the prize, congratulate him, take selfies with him and the car, the whole shebang. Then they ask him:
"For the record, what will you do with the money?" "I will take a driver's license", answers the man behind the wheel. "Officer, please, don't listen to him," says the woman sitting shotgun. "My husband always says stupid things when he's drunk." "I told you, we shouldn't have stolen the car!", croaks the half-deaf granny from the backseat.
And that's when the trunk opens and a male voice is heard. "Why have we stopped?! Are we in Mexico yet?"
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Post by Warlord on Feb 12, 2018 12:54:50 GMT -5
LOL
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Abii
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Department of Corrections
Beeing good is overrated..
Posts: 273
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Post by Abii on Feb 12, 2018 13:07:06 GMT -5
You knockdown me XD
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Post by mandene on Feb 12, 2018 13:59:48 GMT -5
OK, here's another one.
Tommy has been very, very naughty boy and got sent to the principal's office. The principal tells Tommy that he'll not be allowed to go home untill he calls his mom to come and get him, thus forcing her to have a talk.
"I'ts not possible", Tommy says sadly. "My mom died crushed by a steamroller". "My poor boy!" exclaims the principal. And after a few moments of giving condolences to the Tommy, the principal explains that it doesn't excuse the boy's behavior, and that now they'll going to wait for daddy. "That's not possible", Tommy answers sadly. "My daddy was also crushed by the steamroller."
"granny" "steamroller" "grandad" "steamroller" "aunty, uncle, <insert family members>" "steamroller, steamroller, steamroller"
"Dear God! Tommy! My poor, little, orphaned, alone in the world boy. What are you going to do now?" "Continue driving the steamroller!"
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Abii
~
Department of Corrections
Beeing good is overrated..
Posts: 273
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Post by Abii on Feb 14, 2018 15:47:27 GMT -5
A little boy and his father are walking down the street, and they see two dogs having sex.
The little boy asks his father, "Daddy, what are they doing?"
The father says, "Making a puppy." So they walk on and go home.
A few days later, the little boy walks in on his parents having sex. The little boy says, "Daddy, what are you doing?"
The father replies, "Making a baby."
The little boy says, "Well, flip her around! I`d rather have a puppy."
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Abii
~
Department of Corrections
Beeing good is overrated..
Posts: 273
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Post by Abii on Feb 15, 2018 11:33:31 GMT -5
The Sunday School teacher was speaking to her class one Sunday morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?" Suzie raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands." "Why do you think it's your hands, Suzie?" Suzie replied, "...Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first!" "What a wonderful answer!" the teacher said. Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Teacher, I think it's your legs". The teacher looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?" Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night, Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was going, 'O God, I'm coming!' Enjoy
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Abii
~
Department of Corrections
Beeing good is overrated..
Posts: 273
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Post by Abii on Feb 22, 2018 13:46:45 GMT -5
A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"
The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."
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Post by Pithirendar on Mar 4, 2018 2:49:22 GMT -5
Reminder to keep your jokes PG please
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Post by nemusator on Mar 13, 2018 6:34:44 GMT -5
An old man speaks... "I warned them about Titanic... I shouted the whole time: It will sink!... It will sink!... *sighs*... And than they threw me out from the cinema!"
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Post by malclave on Mar 13, 2018 9:41:37 GMT -5
An old man speaks... "I warned them about Titanic... I shouted the whole time: It will sink!... It will sink!... *sighs*... And than they threw me out from the cinema!" Hey! How about a spoiler alert?
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Post by mandene on Mar 27, 2018 6:22:49 GMT -5
- I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me....
- I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.
- Did you hear about the guy whose left side was cut off? He's all right now.
- Think about the atoms, they matter.
- I told a chemistry joke. No reaction.
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Abii
~
Department of Corrections
Beeing good is overrated..
Posts: 273
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Post by Abii on May 20, 2018 9:19:50 GMT -5
Man enters home and screams; "I won! I won! We are rich! I won 60,000$ at lotter!" He spots that his wife is crying "What happened ? Why are you crying darlin?" Wife answer with hearthbroken voice "My mom, Your mother-in-law, died today..." Man screams even louder "Wooooohooo! Jackpot!"
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spyd3r97344
Proven Member
Without a copy NWN EE......
Posts: 169
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Post by spyd3r97344 on May 20, 2018 9:50:06 GMT -5
Is it true, orphans are not allowed to eat at the family restaurant?
Why don't cannibals eat clowns? They taste funny.
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Post by lucid on May 30, 2018 6:39:35 GMT -5
Especially jokes about people who do not conform to gender stereotypes. Those are almost as hilarious as the violence they ultimately beget and condone.
Sorry, not laughing at this one, guys. I know you do not realize it could have any impact beyond making people laugh. But can you at least realize you do not realize?
When society has a problem with cannibalism, it may become uncouth to make jokes about that. But in my life I've lost two very good friends, who were very good people, because jokes like this set the mood for some redneck to think everyone would have his back if he took a baseball bat to the skull of a guy wearing pink nail polish.
Please joke about something else. Or just deal with me thinking poorly of you.
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Post by nemusator on May 30, 2018 7:06:37 GMT -5
I am sorry about your friends.
That said, personally I socialize with people who are good. One's sexual orientation is their own thing. Unfortunately, primitives exist in this world, who will commit an act of violence on the account of someone's skin, nail color, or just because they want to hurt someone.
There isn't a normal person who will read this, and go beat up someone cause of...
You are entitled to think as you wish about anyone...
But since this joke is insulting to you, I deleted it out of respect towards you.
See you IG.
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Post by lucid on May 30, 2018 7:22:42 GMT -5
It's not insulting to me, actually. The "no fat chicks" jokes are the ones about me. It's just insulting to people who typically will not defend themselves for fear of escalation. So I speak up. Thank you for hearing it!
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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FRC Jokes
May 30, 2018 7:48:58 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by Deleted on May 30, 2018 7:48:58 GMT -5
Ahem...”some redneck?”.
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Post by Fluffy the Mad on May 31, 2018 0:43:16 GMT -5
So good topic is spoiled... 🤐 Don't worry, you're nailing down the coffin lid with every post. Let's enjoy a pun: My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him.
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perspicacity
Proven Member
Those who do not want to imitate anything, produce nothing. -Dali
Posts: 196
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Post by perspicacity on May 31, 2018 0:48:07 GMT -5
The topic is not spoiled. Someone asking for empathy and someone hearing it and acknowledging it is a good thing as far as I'm concerned.
That being said, back to the topic....
A few weeks after Beethoven is buried, a local drunk begins spreading tales about hearing strange sounds from the cemetery. The locals dismiss the tales as drunken ramblings, but finally, after being moved by the drunk's insistence, the local priest accompanies the drunk to the graveyard where he is startled to hear strange sounds coming, it seems, from Beethoven's very grave.
The priest returns to his sanctuary, confused and unsettled. He mentions the strange sounds to a few others and, eventually, several curious townsfolk begin to gather by the grave to hear the strange sounds themselves. As the commotion builds, eventually the local magistrate is brought in. He examines the grave, listening carefully, then says. "There's something oddly familiar about that sound, but I cannot place it." He listens a while longer, thoughtfully, then adds. "Wait, wait, is that.....is that the Ninth Symphony -backwards-?" The sound abruptly changes, the townsfolk and magistrate gather closer.
"That, that's the Eighth Symphony." The magistrate proclaims, then looks about the gathering. "Alright now, you can all just disperse, there's nothing to worry about. Go home. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
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