A List of "Facts" about Helga Battleaxe
Sept 9, 2016 5:18:15 GMT -5
grivel, Aseanamous, and 11 more like this
Post by smacrasmacrasmacra on Sept 9, 2016 5:18:15 GMT -5
*Posted to the notice board in Greatgaunt are several parchments. Written in big, bubbly writing is the following*
Helga has muscles on the outside of her skin.
Helga once punched a hole in a cow just to see what was coming up the road.
Helga's hair isn't actually dark, the sun is just afraid to shine on it.
Helga has unprotected sex with volcanoes.
ALL of Helga's teeth are Wisdom Teeth.
She likes meat so rare that she only eats unicorns.
At estates she owns she never has to cut the grass--she stares at it and dares it to grow.
All of Helga's formal attire is made from denim.
If Helga takes out a loan, the only collateral she needs to provide is collateral damage.
Anything with Helga's signature on it is considered Legal Tender in the Spine of the World.
When Helga has a crush on someone, it usually ends in a funeral.
Helga can build a snowman out of rain.
Helga can drown a fish.
Every exit at Helga's house is an emergency exit.
Once, when out of arrows, Helga stood in the line of fire, took twelve to the bust, and used them to reload.
Helga's long hair is actually a prehensile tail she uses to knife fight with.
Helga once walked a mile in shoes made out of another person.
Do to a favorable exchange rate, a Helga in the hand is worth three and a half in the bush.
Helga built the temple she was born in.
Chult used to border Thay until Helga shoulder-smashed it through the planet and out the other side.
When the going gets tough, the going is channeling Helga.
When the dragon set fire to the King's Forest, Helga put it out by taking a piss.
Helga spells "team" with five capital I's and a rune that means Self Reliance.
Helga can kill two stones with one bird.
Helga doesn't just bathe. She wrestles a dire bear in a raging waterfall.
Helga's kisses leave exit wounds.
Statistically speaking, you are more likely to be hopelessly crushed by Helga than to have feet.
If you have ten lions and Helga has ten lions, she has more money than you.
Helga can count to ten left handed.
Helga stays in shape by doing three hundred pushups a day with her ovaries.
A great red wyrm once challenged the dreaded tarrasque to an arm wrestling match. Helga won.
Helga eats three square meals a day. Her hair eats another six.
Everyone has a skeleton in their closet. Helga has 6,782.
Helga sleeps with a pillow under her axe.
Helga fantasizes to paintings of Helga fantasizing.
Helga has muscles on the outside of her skin.
Helga once punched a hole in a cow just to see what was coming up the road.
Helga's hair isn't actually dark, the sun is just afraid to shine on it.
Helga has unprotected sex with volcanoes.
ALL of Helga's teeth are Wisdom Teeth.
She likes meat so rare that she only eats unicorns.
At estates she owns she never has to cut the grass--she stares at it and dares it to grow.
All of Helga's formal attire is made from denim.
If Helga takes out a loan, the only collateral she needs to provide is collateral damage.
Anything with Helga's signature on it is considered Legal Tender in the Spine of the World.
When Helga has a crush on someone, it usually ends in a funeral.
Helga can build a snowman out of rain.
Helga can drown a fish.
Every exit at Helga's house is an emergency exit.
Once, when out of arrows, Helga stood in the line of fire, took twelve to the bust, and used them to reload.
Helga's long hair is actually a prehensile tail she uses to knife fight with.
Helga once walked a mile in shoes made out of another person.
Do to a favorable exchange rate, a Helga in the hand is worth three and a half in the bush.
Helga built the temple she was born in.
Chult used to border Thay until Helga shoulder-smashed it through the planet and out the other side.
When the going gets tough, the going is channeling Helga.
When the dragon set fire to the King's Forest, Helga put it out by taking a piss.
Helga spells "team" with five capital I's and a rune that means Self Reliance.
Helga can kill two stones with one bird.
Helga doesn't just bathe. She wrestles a dire bear in a raging waterfall.
Helga's kisses leave exit wounds.
Statistically speaking, you are more likely to be hopelessly crushed by Helga than to have feet.
If you have ten lions and Helga has ten lions, she has more money than you.
Helga can count to ten left handed.
Helga stays in shape by doing three hundred pushups a day with her ovaries.
A great red wyrm once challenged the dreaded tarrasque to an arm wrestling match. Helga won.
Helga eats three square meals a day. Her hair eats another six.
Everyone has a skeleton in their closet. Helga has 6,782.
Helga sleeps with a pillow under her axe.
Helga fantasizes to paintings of Helga fantasizing.
